The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater

I know you. We have a lot in common. You have been doing some reading and now you are pretty sure everything in the grocery store and your kitchen cupboards is going to kill you.

Before Your Healthy Eating Internet Education:

I eat pretty healthy. Check it out: whole grain crackers, veggie patties, prawns, broccoli. I am actually pretty into clean eating.

After Your Healthy Eating Internet Education:

Those crackers – gluten, baby. Gluten is toxic to your intestinal health, I read it on a forum. They should call those crackers Leaky Gut Crisps, that would be more accurate. That veggie burger in the freezer? GMO soy. Basically that’s a Monsanto patty. Did you know soybean oil is an insecticide? And those prawns are fish farmed in Vietnamese sewage pools. I didn’t know about the sewage fish farming when I bought them, though, really I didn’t!

The broccoli, though..that’s ok. I can eat that. Eating that doesn’t make me a terrible person, unless….oh, shit! That broccoli isn’t organic. That means it’s covered with endocrine disrupting pesticides that will make my son sprout breasts. As if adolescence isn’t awkward enough.

And who pre-cut this broccoli like that? I bet it was some poor Mexican person not making a living wage and being treated as a cog in an industrial broccoli cutting warehouse. So I’m basically supporting slavery if I eat this pre-cut broccoli. Oh my God, it’s in a plastic bag too. Which means I am personally responsible for the death of countless endangered seabirds right now.

I hate myself.

Well, shit.

All you want to do is eat a little healthier. Really. Maybe get some of that Activa probiotic yogurt or something. So you look around and start researching what “healthier” means.

That really skinny old scientist dude says anything from an animal will give you cancer. But a super-ripped 60 year old with a best-selling diet book says eat more butter with your crispy T-Bone and you’ll be just fine as long as you stay away from grains. Great abs beat out the PhD so you end up hanging out on a forum where everyone eats green apples and red meat and talks about how functional and badass parkour is.

You learn that basically, if you ignore civilization and Mark Knopfler music, the last 10,000 years of human development has been one big societal and nutritional cock-up and wheat is entirely to blame. What we all need to do is eat like cave-people.

You’re hardcore now, so you go way past way cave-person. You go all the way to The Inuit Diet™.

Some people say it’s a little fringe, but you are committed to live a healthy lifestyle. “Okay,” you say, “let’s do this shit,” as you fry your caribou steak and seal liver in rendered whale blubber. You lose some weight which is good, but it costs $147.99 a pound for frozen seal liver out of the back of an unmarked van at the Canadian border.

Even though The Inuit Diet™ is high in Vitamin D, you learn that every disease anywhere can be traced to a lack of Vitamin D (you read that on a blog post) so you start to supplement. 5000 IU of Vitamin D before sitting in the tanning booth for an hour does wonders for your hair luster.

Maxing out your credit line on seal liver forces you to continue your internet education in healthy eating. As you read more you begin to understand that grains are fine but before you eat them you must prepare them in the traditional way: by long soaking in the light of a new moon with a mix of mineral water and the strained lacto-fermented tears of a virgin.

You discover that if the women in your family haven’t been eating a lot of mussels for at least the last four generations, you are pretty much guaranteed a $6000 orthodontia bill for your snaggle-tooth kid. That’s if you are able to conceive at all, which you probably won’t, because you ate margarine at least twice when you were 17.

Healthy eating is getting pretty complicated and conflicted at this point but at least everyone agrees you should eat a lot of raw vegetables.

Soon you learn that even vegetables are trying to kill you. Many are completely out unless they are pre-fermented with live cultures in a specialized $79 imported pickling crock. Legumes and nightshades absolutely cause problems. Even fermentation can’t make those healthy.

Goodbye, tomatoes. Goodbye green beans. Goodbye all that makes summer food good. Hey, it’s hard but you have to eliminate these toxins and anti-nutrients. You probably have a sensitivity. Actually, you almost positively have a sensitivity. Restaurants and friends who want to grab lunch with you will just have to deal.

Kale: it’s what’s for dinner. And lunch. And breakfast.

The only thing you are sure of is kale, until you learn that even when you buy organic, local kale from the store (organic, local kale is the only food you can eat now) it is probably GMO cross-contaminated. Besides, it usually comes rolled in corn starch and fried to make it crunchier.  Market research, dahling…sorry, people like crunchy cornstarch breaded Kale-Crispers™ more than actual bunny food.

And by now you’ve learned that the only thing worse than wheat is corn. Everyone can agree on that, too. Corn is making all of America fat. The whole harvest is turned into ethanol, high fructose corn syrup, chicken feed and corn starch and the only people who benefit from all those corn subsidies are evil companies like Cargill.

Also, people around the world are starving because the U.S. grows too much corn. It doesn’t actually make that much sense when you say it like that, but you read it on a blog. And anyway, everyone does agree that corn is Satan’s grain. Unless wheat is.

The only thing to do, really, when you think about it, is to grow all your own food. That’s the only way to get kale that isn’t cornstarch dipped. You’ve read a lot and it is obvious that you can’t trust anything, and you can’t trust anyone and everything is going to kill you and the only possible solution is to have complete and total control over your foodchain from seed to sandwich.

Not that you actually eat sandwiches.

You have a little panic attack at the idea of a sandwich on commercial bread: GMO wheat, HFCS and chemical additive dough conditioners. Some people see Jesus in their toast but you know the only faces in that mix of frankenfood grains and commercial preservatives are Insulin Sensitivity Man and his sidekick, Hormonal Disruption Boy.

It’s okay, though. You don’t need a deli sandwich or a po’boy. You have a saute of Russian Kale and Tuscan Kale and Scotch Kale (because you love international foods). It’s delicious. No, really. You cooked the kale in a half-pound of butter that had more raw culture than a black-tie soiree at Le Bernardin.

You round out your meal with a little piece of rabbit that you raised up and butchered out in the backyard. It’s dusted with all-natural pink Hawaiian high-mineral sea salt that you cashed-in your kid’s college fund to buy and topped with homemade lacto-fermented herb mayonnaise made with coconut oil and lemons from a tropical produce CSA share that helps disadvantaged youth earn money by gleaning urban citrus. The lemons were a bit over-ripe when they arrived to you, but since they were transported by mountain bike from LA to Seattle in order to keep them carbon neutral you can hardly complain.

The rabbit is ok. Maybe a bit bland. Right now you will eat meat, but only meat that you personally raise because you saw that PETA thing about industrial beef production and you can’t support that. Besides, those cows eat corn. Which is obscene because cows are supposed to eat grass. Ironically, everyone knows that a lawn is a complete waste in a neighborhood – that’s where urban gardens should go. In other words, the only good grass is grass that cows are eating. You wonder if your HOA will let you graze a cow in the common area.

In the meantime, you are looking for a farmer who raises beef in a way you can support and you have so far visited 14 ranches in the tri-state area. You have burned 476 gallons of gas driving your 17-mpg SUV around to interview farmers but, sadly, have yet to find a ranch where the cattle feed exclusively on organic homegrown kale.

Until you do, you allow yourself a small piece of rabbit once a month. You need to stretch your supply of ethical meat after that terrible incident with the mother rabbit who nursed her kibble and ate her kits. After that, deep down, you aren’t really sure you have the stomach for a lot more backyard meat-rabbit raising.

So you eat a lot of homegrown kale for awhile. Your seasoning is mostly self-satisfaction and your drink is mostly fear of all the other food lurking everywhere that is trying to kill you.

Eventually your doctor tells you that the incredible pain you’ve been experiencing is kidney stones caused by the high oxalic acid in the kale. You are instructed to cut out all dark leafy greens from your diet, including kale, beet greens, spinach, and swiss chard and eat a ton of low-fat dairy.

Your doctor recommends that new healthy yogurt with the probiotics. She thinks it’s called Activa.

Syndicated on BlogHer.com

To Do In The Northwest Edible Garden: August 2012
How To Turn A Mason Jar Into A Fermenting Crock

Comments

  1. Awesome. But seriously, my husband is raising rabbits in the back yard…any tips on preparation?

    • Amanda, there are some great ways to have rabbit. We braise/stew it a lot (my favorite recipe involves braising it in cream of (wild) mushroom soup) but I also REALLY like it barbecued with a nice jerk seasoning rub. Actually, that’s my favorite way to have it. We also make it into sausage as well.

      • Paula Finch says:

        Best part of roasted rabbit is the head . Brain, cheeks and tongue . Best way to kill it is to hang by one foot and gouge an eye out . Collect the dripping blood for sausage & boudin. Rip off skin for winter hats . Keep paws for goodluck charms .

        • hahahaha!

        • yummy!!!

        • You must have heard this one before?!

          PETA; People Eating Tasty Animals

        • Monster!!!

        • Ughh….that’s not even vaguely funny. Disgusting!!!

        • *high five*

        • Paula, this is excellent advice, but you forgot the ears-they make almost 10% of the rabbit’s weight. Also, what about the tail?

        • That is cruel and disgusting. How anyone can kill a beautiful animal like that to begin with is beyond me but your joke is disgusting and insensitive. Obnoxious- maybe they should hang you like that and kill you.

          • Reading the replies to your so very terrific post, I find myself feeling very sorry for those who have no sense of humor and take themselves so seriously. Sure glad I don’t have to live with any of them!

          • I grew up on a farm where we killed our own meat. Cows, pigs, chickens, and rabbits. I still did not find that funny in any way shape or form. Just sick! And people think this is a form of having “a sense of humor”?

            AND then people wonder why the world is so messed up and full of crazies!? It starts with people just like this. Horrible!

          • Pretty sure all the crazies in this world are humorless pricks just like the above—^

          • Thank goodness your opinion was not around when we worked our way to the TOP of the food chain.

            Next you’re going to tell us that you train lions to feel bad for eating meat. Hilarious.

          • all animals are beautiful. so please kill responsibly (since we are omnivores we can eat meat). I am only a veggie because i can’t afford ethical meat.
            The post you are complaining about was a joke, so please get that stick out of your behind and relax a bit.

          • “How anyone can kill a beautiful animal like that”

            Killing pretty animals is wrong, but killing ugly animals is okay. That about great ethics.

          • mannapat says:

            Eat bugs…they’re all ugly.

          • Charles says:

            “Killing pretty animals is wrong, but killing ugly animals is okay. That about great ethics.”

            (meanwhile, at animal auditions..)

            Interviewer: “What are you?”
            Animal: “I’m an otter!!!”
            Interviewer: “And what do you do?”
            Animal: “I DO CUTE LITTLE HUMAN TRICKS WITH MY HANDS!! *clap clap*”
            Interviewer: “… you’re free to go.”

            Interviewer: “And what are you?”
            Animal: “I’m a cow”
            Interviewer: “Get in the truck.”
            Animal: “I’m an animal! I have rights!”
            Interviewer: “You’re a baseball glove and a steak, get in the f*$&#( truck!”

            - Denis Leary

          • So, lemme get this straight… he makes a joke (a JOKE, mind you) about being unnecessarily gruesome in slaughtering an animal for food… and he, a sentient human being, should be tortured and killed in that manner. And you don’t see how thinking this makes you a totally frightening psychopath?

          • The surreal McCoy says:

            My father, an intelligent & educated man, who killed people as a drafted soldier in WW2 witnessed the beheading of a chicken when he was a child. The chicken stumbled on, headless, blood squirting from the neck.
            He never had chicken again.

            I guess people, knowing that they don’t NEED meat for survival get angry because deep in their subconscious there must be feelings of guilt about a sentient being getting killed for their mere entertainment. Rather than addressing the source of their guilt, which is rooted in their own behavior, they displace it and attack people who remind of their feelings.

          • Katie Did says:

            Sheesh. Lighten up a bit – I think most of this is “tongue in cheek” stuff…….

          • You call him cruel and disgusting but then you suggest that he get killed the same way?!?!?!?!?!? YOU ARE A MONSTER. Probably a Veganazi too. I am sure you have dreams of a “final solution” in which the planet is terilized of all human life to save the planet. How do you sleep at night?

        • solar star says:

          hahahahhahahahahahaha!!!

          Dont worry, some of us get the sarcasm. I know you are not advocating cruelty. Some people need to chill out and have a hormone infused steak.

          • I second that!

          • and I third it!

          • And I fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and finally–I ate it!

          • kristi carpenter says:

            with a large glass of flouride filled water! your children will have a lovely set of bright yellow teeth to eat that hormone infused steak with you… what i don’t understand is like that one about the chicken blah blah running around blood blah blah, there are so much easier way to kill a chicken for dinner, yet i don’t understand why we would want to eat chicken. if you have chickens you will know what i’m talking about. they eat anything. they eat their own eggs sometimes, you can feed them just about anything left over from your kitchen. and when i say anything, i mean it. they are little garbage grinders. then about the original question from Amanda regarding the cooking of her rabbit, in the butchering process they do have a rather nasty smell so if you have a week stomach put a craigslist add for someone to come do it that likes the smell. really though, they smell bad but skin rather quickly. and as far as everything else, as horrible as all of these things are for us to eat what really is a person to do if they don’t have a place to make a sustainable container garden or any type at all, when someone is disabled, or elderly and has someone do their shopping for them. i would rather gramma eat some gmo corn or turnip greens, then a mess a cat food cause its cheap. there really isn’t a choice for some people. everyone on any of these forums, or threads, well NOT everyone, there is a large populous of people whose comments are about how pure and perfect they are and it is almost nauseating to listen to. or read in my case. Do you all live in Portland, OR? you who are innocent, cast the first stone. and no i’m not all bible, i’m all right. love and light and be easy on each other, its all we have when it really comes down to it

        • Drained bunny rabbit head is freakin’ awesome with a little garlic and ginger! There’s nothing like a good bit of ginger infused gouged eye ball to bring a smile to my families faces at dinner time :)

        • Vince M says:

          Chicken-Fried Rabbit with Cottontail Sauce. Yumm-ee!
          Rabbit au Gratin de Gelatin Under Tooled Leather…drool, da-ROOL!

        • To Paula Finch: Your comments made me laugh out loud! You’re so obviously joking, how could anyone think you’re serious? Although, of course, a lot people do eat rabbit. It does taste like chicken. I tried it once only, at a lavish French restaurant. I eat only ethically raised meat now after being a vegetarian most of my life since I was a teenager. I love animals and volunteer for the SPCA.

          If you think eating rabbit is bad, I recently saw a documentary about a Chinese restaurant that served only donkey for their meat dishes. They used all the parts, including the tail and probably the brains and eyeballs too! Oh horrors of horrors, how could they?

          • Beijing LaoWai says:

            Let me tell you… I live in Beijing and donkey meat is THE BEST. Way better than buffalo. Very lean and tender, and the flavor is Tai Hao Le!(Great!)

        • Lmfao. That comment was awesome.

        • That is a legitimate way to use a rabbit and is done all the time.

        • Gouge out an eye and catch the droppings. Awesome!

      • rabbit was a staple growing up, prepared like:
        fried chicken(Baked)covered in herbs
        sauteed in garlic and oil, smothered in onions,
        cooked(Braised ) in a pot then smothered in tomatoes and basil served over pasta
        simmered in a pan with tomatoe, garlic onion, mustard greens
        oven roasted (chicken style both breaded and plain olive oil ) with potatoes

        • tasted like chicken? oh look squirrel

          • joyce ford says:

            For some reason some folks don’t want to eat rodents. Try guinea pig. They say it is quite good, and they’ve been eaten for centuries in Peru.

      • Remember that you cannot survive on Rabbit meat alone, its called Rabbit starvation “in case you were planning to eat nothing other then rabbit meat and Kale after you’ve slaughtered all of your fuzzy little back yard buddies”… mmm rabbit pie…. Enjoy!

        • joyce ford says:

          Rabbit starvation occurs when you have nothing but wild rabbit and water. It is because the wild rabbits are so very lean. Domestic rabbits have more fat on them, and you could probably live just fine on their meat, with an occasional orange for some vitamin C.

          • rabbit owner says:

            Actually rabbit meat is missing an essential fatty acid. Both wild and domestic rabbit s store energy in fat. Eating on rabbit of either will not meet a person s fat needs.

      • Rabbit is super lean (one of the leanest). Best way to cook it is with a good amount of fat. Duck fat and rabbit is divine. Failing the duck fat, any good quality butter or coconut oil is pretty delish as well. Tallow is tasty with rabbit. Hell, any fat makes rabbit taste good.
        I prefer rabbit cooked sous-vide, because it keeps all the delicious bugs-bunny flavour in.

    • @ Amanda – We stuff the cavity with herbs and butter, and then slow cook it over smoking wood chips on the grill. Smoked, herbed rabbit = yum!

      • But bunnies are so goddamn cute.

        • meathead stu says:

          cute animals are the ones that tend to be the tastiest…

          • Sarah Hergen says:

            It’s a defence mechanism! It’s the only reason I don’t eat babies.

          • wildflower says:

            Sarah: another good defence mechanism: humor. Joking about eating someone somehow makes it ok… Just a thought.

          • Bright Fellow says:

            You Mr. Meathead, stay the hell away from me because I am a very cute animal myself, and I don’t like to see you turn into cannibalism.

          • joyce ford says:

            People are raising and eating guinea pigs. New to the US, but centuries old in South America. Guinea pigs put on meat faster and more economically than cattle. And they are cute.

        • Nancy Janzen says:

          The cute little bunnies will eat the tops off your organic carrots and they will die because of lack of photosynthesis. Bambi if not hunted will overrun the grazing and then end up dying slowly of starvation. I hear dog is good but all those arctic adventurers say not to eat dog liver because it has vitamin A levels toxic to humans. And to get rid of rabbits get a Brittany Spaniel mix but make sure when going out your driveway the car window is closed or it will jump in your moving car at 15 miles an hour. Our dog Cookie chasing rabbit. The rabbit went under the fence without missing a step, Cookie went over the fence without missing a beat while pregnant with wolf puppies. She never looked at another dog after mating with the wolf.

    • Lapin à la Gueuze

      http://www.saveur.com/article/Recipes/Rabbit-Braised-in-Gueuze

      Gueuze is a Belgian style of beer, funky and a bit tart, don’t buy the Lindeman’s fruited stuff, make sure it is the one the recipe calls for. But you only need one bottle not two, and drink some before you stick it in the pot.

      • Hey, I like the Lindeman’s fruited stuff, it’s the only way i can stand beer. Why shouldn’t I use it for rabbit?

      • kelderdeur says:

        Actually Rodenbach beer is the BEST option for stewing rabbits (don’t forget the prunes!) A good Geuze is nigh impossible to find in the States. (Says the U.S. expat in Belgium…) But I agree, don’t use Lindeman’s. It’s far too sweet and would make a nasty, nasty stew.

        • “A good Geuze is nigh impossible to find in the States.” I have not found this to be true. I do live in a craft beer place, though, so the stores actually carry a good variety of stuff. I’m sure most of the country is gueuze-free, but not my town!

          And my favorite rabbit dish is hasenpfeffer.

        • Both Cantillon and Drie Fonteinen can be found in the US, along with many other top Lambic brewers (they brew lambic and blend different vintages to make Gueuze).

    • Roll up in some kale and Voile …. you have Wabbit Wrap !

    • Any good tips or recipes for dog meat?

      • Treat it like you would cat.

      • Why not Zoidberg?

      • Any recipe that works for goat or deer works for dog. Slow cooked in a thick stew with garlic, herbs and strong red wine is my favorite. ;~)

      • You can roast or fry it, pretty much any recipe works for dog because they’re delicious. Just be prepared to sweat there is some chemical in the meat that makes you sweat. Also skinny dogs taste better than a muscular or big dog for some reason. It goes without saying that younger is better than older as well. I prefer a nice Dachshund or even Chihuahua puppy slow roasted over a wood fire….

    • A friend of mine actually made me rabbit fajitas! It was amazing and better than chicken or beef! Now everytime I see a rabbit running around my mouth waters! And that’s no exaggeration, I really get hungry and a craving lol

      • Donna Furneaux says:

        Come to my house. The dogs won’t catch the bloody rabbits who are eating their way through my organically produced veggies. The buggers chew through the plastic fencing to get at the veggies. The doggies WILL eat the rabbit poop however. Wonder if it is human grade …hmmm.

        • Anything is edible if you cook it to 180° F. Even feces. ; )

        • My friends dog won’t accept any treats, but loves to gobble up rabbit poop like it’s hershey kisses.

          • Dogs also love cat poop, go figure. Then people let them lick their faces…. yuk.

            Well some do-gooder paid to spay the bunnies in Canmore (Alberta, Canada). Now the rabbits are spending less time mating and more time digging up people’s gardens!! Oh, and I’m sure they missed a few.

      • How did this story turn into a rabbit eating fast?? Very sad. Leave the rabbits alone.

        • Jude Iscariot says:

          LOL. Get over yourself, Pat.

          Rabbits are delicious. Absolutely delicious.

          • Pro Bono Publico says:

            And rabbits are now lifeline for Gazans whose basic food supplies are blockaded.

        • why? what’s wrong with rabbit but ok to do to cow or a (really smart) pig or deer or chicken? you grew up in a city in an affluent neighborhood, didn’t you?

      • Vince M says:

        Actually that rabbit stew in ‘The Two Towers’ looked pretty good. Could have done with some potatoes though…

    • Don’t know about preparing rabbit, although we have LOTS of them running around Calgary and Canmore. Someone actually suggested catching them and spaying them all!!! LOL I say eat them. BTW, if you are an active gardener get your tetanus shot up-to-date. The bacteria lives in soil. Just one more thing to worry about:(

      • Really?! A quick google will tell you that there are about 4-5 cases of Tetanus in Canada annually, and 43-55 in the US. Go stick your bare feet in mama earth. It will feel really good.

        • You do know part of the the reason for so few cases of tetanus is because of vaccination right (along with fewer people coming in contact with soil that can carry the bacteria)? It’s probably not something people who live in the city need to worry about being up to date on but if you are working in soil that may contain manure, you should be vaccinated.

          • *sigh*

            Tetanus is an anaerobic bacterium. Unless you POKE A HOLE IN YOUR HAND, you can’t catch it, because it won’t grow in an oxygenated environment.

            Wash your hands when you’re done digging and you’ll be fine.

          • Calli Arcale says:

            Yeah, wash your hands and you’ll be fine — until you find a thorn and *do* poke a hole in your hand. Maybe you’re less klutzy than me, Dana, but it’s a rare gardening project where I don’t bleed. So I definitely keep up to date on my tetanus shots. ;-)

          • my father lived till 90 yrs young and had a huge garden..never had a tetanus shot…neither have I. A Canadian, if that makes any diff.

          • mariong says:

            I know somebody who survived a tetanus-infection. It isn’t funny. I prefer a tetanus shot too.
            Please check out wikipedia or other sources for that.

          • blissing says:

            My friend’s father died of tetanus. Not a nice death.

      • Lin Ilsley says:

        I have rabbits. Call me if you want them. I have always found there are always more where they came from. They are destroying my sodding yard/garden/life.

        Just getting ready to fry up a little bacon for brekkers. Have a grand day.

    • If everything is so bad, then why do you write an entire article complaining about it? How about you just come up with some solutions?

    • You are so right.
      I gained sooo much weight just eating Corn Starch.
      You might have seen me on Freaky Eaters, devouring it.

    • Red wine is the secret. Drink enough of it and you won’t care how the rabbit is cooked.

      • SO true – enough wine and everything tastes fine. so what if us “healthy” eaters can eat less and less with each passing day – more WINE!

        • But what about the crapload of pesticides that are in that wine from the grapes?!

          • that’s my latest ‘cringe’. I just try not to think about it as I’m having my before-dinner cuppa that I can afford right now. (but I do think about it and the next morning imagine that those foggy feelings are from the pesticides….)! Just don’t have time for the DIY wine these years, but I sure like me some!

          • My theory–and don’t try to talk me out of it–is that the alcohol denatures the toxic residues of the pesticides.

          • freshnfruity says:

            Organic wine? I know there is organic beer, certainly must be organic wine.

          • I like MQ’s theory. And since I read it on the interwebz, it must be true, right?

    • my dad raised rabbits in the backyard when i was a kid. we SHAKE-AND-BAKED them. they were delicious. organ meat is good for you, too. you can shake and bake kidneys and hearts and liver, even. seriously, this is a true story. i think you cook it a little shorter time than chicken because it’s a smaller animal, but i haven’t personally cooked rabbit. i’ve only shaked – we moved before i was old enough to use the oven.

    • This is a great article! You mention everything under the sun that is swarming around the internet – what is good, what’s bad, do this, don’t do that! Very funny. At first I thought this was another post supporting Kale – and maybe you do, but also realize the concequences for some. I tried the “kale” in my diet as well as spinch, nuts, beets, chard, brown rice – all the foods of our current thinking that are supposed to be good for us (detox, good omegas, and fiber etc) – and it completely left me in worse shape than when i started to “detox”. That is because I am OXALATE sensitive! And I only found out about it when bouts of UTI’s come on more frequently, only to find out they were not bacterial based! Interstitial cystitis (is what I have, not UTI’s), fibromyalgia, arthritis, vulvodynia, a whole host of other ailments aside from kidney stones (not you don’t have to have kidney stones to have these other problems) are a direct result of too much oxalate (kale, nuts, beets, spinach to name a fraction). Yes, I am yet giving you, the reader, more information to process (…HaHa), so you can file it as neccessary. :) Hope this helps anyone who is feeling more “pain” and frustration from overloading on KALE.

      • Diana, I tried so hard to eat a healthy diet, and even healthier when I was diagnosed with Sjogren’s Syndrome (maybe Lupus), IC, and a host of other autoimmune stuff. Totally disabled and in constant pain. Then I found out that about 3/4 of my diet was rich in something called polyamine, which is really healthy and lengthens your life. Unless it increases inflammation in your body, which it does in mine. The veggies I can eat now are a short, short list. I crave tomato anything, but can’t eat it or I watch the joints on my hands swell so fast that I bruise. Some things on the very long list I can eat in small amounts without nasty consequences, but mostly if I want to be free of nasty pain in my hands and feet I stay away from … a long list of very good food. It’s sad, but worth looking into. BTW, this diet came from a doctor at a very reputable chronic pain clinic.

        • lynn thiessen says:

          Oh there is an upswelling of voices…..ones that missed the humor of your article……feel it is important to help clarify…….Paleo is not about weight loss..it is about reducing inflammatory response……..if someone does not live with that issue……breathe easy……if they do..they must exercise caution. Lest the food police arrest me prior to morning, I suggest the 80 percent approach…..hello, grains are used to fatten our stock………if you want to get fat……enjoy your grains…….if someone is facing cancer…….sugar feeds cancer…..don’t eat it. Loved your article…it does make everyone crazy…….it is kind of TMI…….but, if one has a problem, they need to find an approach…….if not, live reasonably……love, luckylin

          • Everybody points out that cows are given grains, but what everybody except the farmers leave out, is that they are supplmented with a fat/protein concotion. Even the cows can’t get fat off just grains, though it will make them sick and throw their pH off something awful, which makes them riskier even to us.

          • Why does everyone always bring up some other animal when discussing what will “make you fat”
            Walrus eat seafood and it makes them fat. Camels eat leaves and it gives them giant humps of fat. Termites eat wood and get fat. Pretty much any animal in nature eats something naturally and can get fat. I am not a cow, I do not have four stomachs, chew cud, 130 feet of small intestine (humans have around 22-23 feet), and die if I lay down too long. I am not typing this with hooves. It makes as much sense to compare humans and cows, food-wise, as to compare turnips and termites because they sound sort of alike.

      • Wow, that’s quite a piece. It didn’t point out that, unfortunately, the junk and other lifestyle influences often seem to be devastatingly problematic too. Catch 22?

    • Braising is good – liquid…think chili, enchiladas, even tacos. It takes seasoning well. Rabbit curry is awesome!

    • We swear by this blog for all our rabbit recipes… http://honest-food.net/

    • Kerry White says:

      Mark Gilchrist’s method of rabbit preparation has worked great for me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpwhOE74TMA
      I too raise rabbits for meat.

    • White wine, bake in oven with white dry wine, with a slices of bacon in the center of the rabbit, italian seasoning, basil and a lil rosemary. TASTES AWESOME

    • Esther Haab says:

      When raising rabbits, build lots of cages!!!! I started with two flemish giants and a year later had what seemed like a hundred…… The saying multiplying like rabbits is true……

    • Zachary says:

      The common way to cook rabbit where I’m from is stew, but I was never a fan of that. My mom always had a great recipe involving frying it with a lemon sauce, with lemon being the key. The best part of the meat is the shoulder blades/arms and the hind quarters/legs. After slow frying for a couple of hours with onions and lemon, the meat slides off the bone. Fucking fantastic.

    • This is hysterical. I am still laughing over virgin tears in the light of a new moon. But I COMPLETELY understand your point. I just recently converted my suburban lawn into a farm. Luckily, I live close to excellent farmers. Love your sense of humor!!!

    • The best way to serve a rabbit is to pick the one from the garden your little daughter loves and walks around with and plays with every day. Then chop its head off and serve it as “meat” at dinner time, any way its cooked works. My parents did that to me and I have not eaten rabbit since for my entire life, now 72. There are too many other things to eat in this world!! Who needs rabbit!?

    • Please don’t eat rabbits. You may as well be eating puppies or kittens. Rabbits are highly intelligent, loving animals. http://www.rabbit.org And before you tell me it’s “normal,” well, human slavery was once normal too. (It still is in some places on Earth – if you eat Hershey’s and other brands of chocolate without ensuring they are certified slavery-free, you are participating in it.)

      And despite the humorous intent of this essay, it really isn’t that hard to eat in the least harmful way that you can – both for yourself, for the planet and other people and animals who share it with us. While the essay’s point is that yes, it’s possible to go completely overboard with the fads and worrying, it is also true that by simply keeping things as organic and plant based as possible you’re going to be ahead of the game.

      It’s not so hard to have a little sense of ethics in what you do.

      • Alexandra says:

        Pigs are also highly intelligent and sensitive. They supposedly make amazing pets and become depressed and hopeless in factory farm conditions. But people are so addicted to bacon that I rarely read or hear any plea to stop eating pig. I guess I struggle with people saying “don’t eat X animal, but it’s ok to eat Y animal.” Not saying this is what you’re saying, necessarily.

      • Human GI tracts are consistent with those of an herbivore. We do not have incisors to jump on the back of a cow and sink our teeth in to the poor thing. Stop eating animals! And for those religious people who think Jesus told us that animals are meant for humans to master, just read Genesis (I did some research on this) and find out that Jesus meant for people to eat a plant-based diet.

        Animals have emotions, so get your protein from plants, seeds, grains, etc., not helpless animals.

        • Curious says:

          If Jesus meant for humans (who, by the way, wasn’t walking the face of the Earth when genesis was written/took place) to eat a plant based diet, then why did Jesus (in the new testament) offer a plentitud of fish and bread to those who were in a drought? He multiplied one fish and one loaf into thousands for the town to eat. I think if the argument for vegetarianism is the Bible, then the facts should be more well read.
          We may not have ferocious incisors either, but our canines are sharp enough to tear through meat. To each there own, if you feel that eating meat is cruel and unnatural, that is fine. However, I like meat – along with 90% of the worlds population. In my opinion, i dont understand how a completely vegan lifestyle is at all healthy. In fact, there are many reported deaths of children whose parents imposed a vegan lifestyle on the child. The child winds up dead from malnutrition : http://naturalhygienesociety.org/diet-veganbaby.html a travesty in my eyes. There is something to be said about the nourishment from proper protein.
          The blog we are commenting on, was simply meant to bring attention to, and poke fun at a few of the million “facts” that we see being poured and stressed over everyday. I laughed at the blog and appreciate where it is coming from. To those of you who are angry with the writer, lighten up…we are all dying, some quicker than others, enjoy life in the meantime.

          • It’s great that this blog has opened up a discussion about food and nutrition. There is an abundance of scientific information about meat-based diets versus plant-based, and it’s not just anecdotal. I was one of the skeptics about meat and so-called “healthy” foods until I did do an abundant amount of research, and it has not just been via the Internet. My information also came from a college thesis that took months to write, with affirmations.

            After seeing friends and family members over the years poison themselves with bad eating habits and developing osteoporosis, diabetes, constant headaches and migraines, shoveling medicines for this pain or malady and that, weight problems, hypertension, cancer, stokes, depression, heart attacks, dementia and Alzheimer’s, etc., etc., I decided to really take charge of my own health. I’ve struggled with extra weight which I’ve tried in vain to get rid of, but until I began eating foods that did not cause reactivity (inflammation) and removing meat from my diet, did I see results. And, my blood pressure is the best it’s been in 15 years. I no longer take anti-depressants and I feel lighter and think more clearly.

            May I suggest several DVD’s: Food Matters and Forks over Knives. These are just a few documentaries that clearly lay out a vast array of information about healthy eating, including the brainwashing corporate food companies want you to believe that their products are good for you. The majority of Americans now eat food-like products, not real food, nor healthy food. And it doesn’t have to be difficult even though Erica does paint a very funny picture of the health-conscious consumer. But that’s okay. Go ahead and eat your greasy burgers and bacon, nitrate-filled deli meats, difficult to digest steaks, bunghole laden hot dogs, and morning sausage/potatoes smothered in fatty, high-caloric gravy and margarine, and I’ll be jumping with joy while watching my cholesterol numbers fall, my weight dropping, and feeling the best ever. To each their own.

          • Allison says:

            Actually, please DON’T watch Forks Over Knives. The research presented in the documentary is hard to verify, as it was only published in a book (did you know anyone can freely publish those without having to verify facts?); it wasn’t published in a peer reviewed journal. In addition, if you start researching it yourself, actual facts start to become hard to come by.

            Don’t get me wrong. Going vegan for your health can be a great thing, but don’t do it because Forks Over Knives scared you into believing 1) all animal meat whatsoever causes cancer hands down, 2) we have evolved to the ability where you can get all of your nutrients from plants (B12, for instance; it’s kind of important), and 3) you can – and this is a shocking claim – reverse cancer, diabetes, and many other diseases at the ease of a healthy, vegan diet. The last I checked, if you have stage four lung cancer, a few carrots and a bite of an apple isn’t going to cure you.

        • The only reason humans are as intelligent – i.e. have the brain size we have, is that we (or our hominid ancestors) started eating meat.

          http://www.livescience.com/23671-eating-meat-made-us-human.html

        • frgough says:

          Wrong. Our GI tract is designed for an ominvorous diet, and we do have canines precisely for tearing meat. If you want to go vegan, more power to you, but don’t pretend to be following some higher biological law when you do, because you aren’t.

        • We don’t need incisors designed to rip the throat out of a cow. We have thumbs and a frontal lobe. Those work better, and with less mess.

        • Caleb Schultz says:

          Since when do humans have rumens? Maybe I’m confused because I thought we were mono-gastric omnivores…

    • omg how can you raise animals and kill them? little rabbits? are you people sick?

      • Allison says:

        At least if you raise those animals, you know they are cruelty free. Surprisingly, not everyone shares the same opinions that meat eaters are “sick people”. Various cultures, beliefs, and ethics. Lovely world, isn’t it, where we can all have the difference of those things and coexist. :)

    • Why not just don’t kill and eat the precious little crtters!

    • Honestly, this blog is supposed to funny, but it really just seems sarcastically ignorant. This sounds like you are making fun of people who are seriously affected by the industrialization of our food habits. You are making fun of food eaters for being plagued with the poisons that Big Food has been slipping into EVERYTHING we eat for at least 100 years. Technology progressed faster than our knowledge of the consequences and now the sufferers are being guilted into believing that it’s their privilege that is causing their ailments. I get that some people self-importantly alter their diet because they are affluent enough to do so, but as a poverty stricken celiac, the incredible pain I’ve been feeling comes from starvation or food poisoning from “heart healthy” grains. We should be directing our snarky attention towards the companies not at the consumers who HAVE NO OTHER OPTIONS.

      Laugh it up. You know what else is funny? Cigarettes, tanning, asbestos, and paying for college. Next time maybe add some actual facts, not just elitist mockery.

      • Sarcastically ignorant? Read it again, pussikins. There is a lot of good info in here, taking a subject that can be overwhelmingly depressing and putting some much needed humor into it. I was directed here by a friend who read my blog post today that took the other side of the coin; she loved my post but also knew I love good satire (such as Andy Borowitz, who takes the truth, spins it to the end of its tether and still gets the point across). If fact-based (and there are facts in here, again, re-read it) humor gets some people to think about what they are eating, along with the plethora of serious articles, it’s all good.

      • frgough says:

        No, it’s poking fun at irrational hysteria. The fact of the matter is, 99% of the population is just fine eating whatever they like, including a Wendy’s Baconator. The real issue isn’t poor diet, it’s sedentary lifestyle.

        • yellowflowers says:

          There is reason to question what you are putting into your body, when you have been shown time and time again that you have been force fed lies by big buisness. A sedentary lifestyle may be one issue for obesity or for people to actually want to eat at Wendy’s (because they have seen way to many of their commercials) or your ignorant 99% comment (or maybe you were just tring to be funny) . Nutrition is what keeps us alive! The blog is filled with facts, But don’t eat the yogurt with the fruit already added if you are monitoring your sugar and calorie intake!

      • Allison says:

        Elitist mockery – really? THAT is what you got out of the article? Where we reading the same one?

    • You’re going to eat Thumper? How sad ;(

    • Enchiladas. Chili. Simmered in seasonings with a little liquid brings the best flavor to rabbit. Curry is heavenly. :-)

    • when i was a kid my neighbors used to raise rabbits for meat. the screams of them being slaughtered still haunt my soul.

    • Nancy Janzen says:

      Clean rabbit if done carefully and you know someone who can tan the skin you have the makings of some warm winter hats and gloves. After which you can stuff and roast like a chicken takes about the same cooking time too.

    • RABBIT SEASON! FIRE! :D

    • Back yard rabbits are bad for you . Only eat front yard rabbits.

    • Are you serious? You are raising rabbits to EAT them? Ok that is beyond sad and disgusting. Poor babies.

    • Yeah. Don’t name em.

    • Don’t! They are intelligent and lovely creatures!

    • deborah bender says:

      Just don’t eat. You will die. Dead people do not need food! Ridiculous! We can try our best. I started ordering grass fed beef. Hormone free chicken. Every little step helps.

  2. Claudette says:

    Hahaha! So true!

  3. You forgot the evils of soy! ;)

    The paleo folks are starting to rub me the wrong way….

    • And I didn’t get into raw milk either, I now realize! Ah well there might have to be a sequel post. ;)

      • Exactly! You forgot the raw milk. The pastured – fed raw milk. My share starts today! :)

      • Yes, please!! :D

      • Erica, I LOVE this! Please write a sequel!

      • Sequel please! I was just having this rant with a friend and feeling totally like a crazed health nut and then read this and had tears down my face because I was laughing so hard.

      • Awesome post! And if a sequel is in your plans you simply must include the horrors of bottled AND tap water, not to mention the high cost of a proper water filter that actually does the job.

        • Don’t forget distilled water versus reverse osmosis… >; )

        • xena horvath says:

          Thankfully there is a public well near the health food store where I do all my shopping. Well water is pretty safe and healthier for you. Our well is rich in iron, so we never seem to have iron deficiencies over here. You can find your well here: http://www.findaspring.com/

          • yup, did the findaspring thing and found a few in our region but I’d kill a half a tank of gas on a round trip to the closest one. We can only do so much…

          • I live in detroit. I wouldn’t drink any water that came out of the ground around here. Unless you want to turn into the Hulk.

        • A good filter like Berkey actually costs way less in the long run.

      • Kimberly LaFleur says:

        Oh, please, yes! I would LOVE a sequel! This is the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a year! And hey, you did mention that the veggie burger had to be GMO soy. Thank you so much for a great laugh at myself!

  4. You are now my husband’s hero.

  5. Great post and, oh so true!

  6. OMG – you had me at “grains are fine but before you eat them you must prepare them in the traditional way: by long soaking in the light of a new moon with a mix of mineral water and the strained lacto-fermented tears of a virgin.” hahahahahahahahahha!

    • Same here. Made the mistake of reading this while snuggling my one year old to sleep. Almost peed my pants trying to keep quiet while laughing.

    • Yes! While there were many, many good lines, that one was my hands-down favorite!

  7. Shanna R. says:

    Sigh! I have to laugh at this post (alternative would be to cry) as we are way down the rabbit hole of paleo and anti-candida dieting due to my son being diagnosed recently with rheumatoid arthritis. Nasty stuff (disease and diet). All I want to do is give the kid a pizza (homemade margherita, of course) with some ice cream for dessert!

    • anonymiss says:

      A slew of doctors tried to diagnose me with rheumatoid arthritis that I knew was actually late stage Lyme disease. After many trips to the ER begging for just two weeks’ worth of antibiotics they didn’t want to give me, I finally managed to convince a doctor that I knew what the crap I was talking about. How old is your son, Shanna? Rheumatoid arthritis in children is NOT common, and in my (lay, but extremely educated) opinion, is usually a b.s. diagnosis when Lyme disease is the true issue. Our medical system is distorted, and generally works to keep folks entangled within it instead of giving them the cures they really need. I refused to be diagnosed with a lifelong illness. If I had accepted the diagnosis, I would most certainly be battling crippling arthritis for the rest of my life. Instead, I fought, and I won. Today, I am perfectly healthy with no joint pain whatsoever. Just something to think about.

      • Shanna R. says:

        Thank you for your reply! I absolutely love hearing stories like yours. They confirm for me that I’m not completely cook-a-doo for having hope or for trying to find an alternative for my boy. He’s 13 and wickedly allergic to penicillin. When his joints swelled with the arthritis (they were massive) they looked just like his penicillin reaction, which makes me wonder if they are related in some way. We are seeing a naturopath, in addition to the rheumatologist, which is how I became a freak show about the diet thing. I had not considered Lyme disease and will definitely ask about that at our next appointment! Thank you again.

        • Jennifer Hart says:

          I completely agree with the potential Lyme diagnosis. Without writing a mini novel, my sister was diagnosed with late stage Lyme SEVEN YEARS after her first symptoms. She was actually tested for it too. I guess there are over 200 strains of Lyme but the standard test only checks for 3-5. She was finally sent to a specialist who did a thorough test that health insurance doesn’t cover that confirmed it was Lyme. She was on more meds than an AIDs patient for over 2 years. She is finally pain free. Her best friend was diagnosed with MS and later found out it was Lyme. I am getting tested for it next month. In my small town I know 20 people who have it (and that is just confirmed by the standard test). I suspect that all these people diagnosed with Fibromyalgia or MS actually have Lyme.

          • I am so glad I have stumbled across this article. First of all LOVE it!! Second, I am so glad to see the following comments. I am in the midst of being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called Myasthenia Gravis or possible Mitochondrial Myopathy and now I am suppose to see a Rhuematologist about possible RA. I am going to ask for the Lyme test first thing!
            I have been researching diets to see about possible cures and it’s so confusing! I am going to give the gluten free a try.

          • Amy, I was diagnosed with juvenile-onset myasthenia gravis 15 years ago. While my neurologist has warned me that RA is a future possibility, I’ve been clear of it so far.

            There aren’t yet any cures for MG, it that’s what your diagnosis ends up being. However, a healthy diet is a good idea in any case, not just for it’s own benefits but also as the most common and effective medication for MG is prednisone, which has several side-effects which can be handled/minimised/controlled through diet.

            Do bring up Lyme disease to your doctor if the symptoms seem to fit! If you doctor is anything like mine, he will test for any other possibility it could be before giving an MG diagnosis.

          • Hello, my 20 yr old started having symptoms of wrist,hand shoulder pain at 18 ….one horrid doctor in LA put her on methotrexate ( chemo ) and she became quite ill..We took her off of it because he said she had psoriatic arthritis….yet she had no positive blood work and no signs on her skin at all….She has managed symptoms with prednisone when she has a flare up…This summer she had fluid build up in her wrist while we are here, in Europe…we went to a French arthritis specialist who said that she should not do prednisone or methotrexate…but instead to take Biofrenid LP for three weeks…milder..less side effects…
            THIS Did not work either. Neil my daughter started to take the prednisone again..
            We are in Italy now, saw an expert. Who said …..no more dancing,no wine,no pizza unless it is Italian pizza, no birth control,no abortions,no wine…..and that she neede a shot of the chemo into her arm immediately……..I’m not joking!!!!
            we were tested for Lyme disease in Ca..but I did not know that it is an incomplete test….Do you think I should retest her???. And if so, what kind of specialist do I go to…

            From a desperate mother of a wonderful daughter…

          • Jennifer, I didn’t have Lyme but had the terrible joint pain, then the insidious muscle pain that was diagnosed as fibromyalgia. The whole thing that triggered this was a rare reaction to the usually benign Fifth Disease, also known as human parvovirus B-19. i was at least lucky enough to have the parvo B-19 discovered right away. However, the docs are all grossly unaware of what this virus does to 3% of those that get it. Unfortunately, it’s turned out to be a chronic illness as I’ve dealt with the pain and fatigue for 10 years now. Changing my diet to mostly vegetarian and cutting out most sugar and processed foods was what did the trick for me. I still have the muscle pain but it’s not debilitating any more. It would be worth it to be tested for both.

          • My mother was diagnosed with MS about 10 years ago. This year she was diagnosed with Lyme. I wonder if it was just the Lyme all along causing her symptoms. Can Lyme cause MS-like brain lesions? She was getting those very often. I was also tested for it and was positive for a few strains but not enough for an official diagnosis. My fingers swell up to the size of obese man hands when I’m cold or if I eat too much sugary foods. I was told it was early stage arthritis. I’m 27. I also have a grade 2 brain tumor, glioma. Since Lyme has a neurological effect, I’m wondering if my ticks bites played a role in the development of the tumor. Going off topic from healthy food woos now.

        • CIPRO will cure Lymes. it is the antibiotic for anthrax treatment, but cured my Lymes

          • Cipro IS one of the few that crosses the brain barrier to get the Bb (Lyme) bacteria in the brain BUT can have bad side effects and gave me the most trouble out of zillions of antibiotics I took for Lyme. Don’t forget co-infections along with Lyme…

        • Dittos on the Lyme thing. My symptoms mirrored chronic heart disease for almost a year. Same story… finally got a diagnosis and 3 days into a 2-week course of Cipro I felt better than I had in years. No recurrence after 4 years now. Had I stuck with the original diagnosis I could very well be on heart meds or, worse, a pacemaker.

          Lyme can kiss my ass.

          But this is a blog about food. Now returning to our regularly scheduled content…

        • I also was dx’d with Lyme but more than that.. I was actually dx’d with a protozoan biofilm infection called protomyxozoa rhuematica. It is an inflammatory infection that is very widespread, but research is just now coming out about it.. so it is not tested for. Fry labs is *the* only one testing for it. They are located in AZ. Dr. Fry is an LLMD as well as a GP and he jsut recieved a gov’t grant to continue research on it. Needless to say I am back to being myself and no more fevers and joint pain. Interesting tidbit is that his protocol for ridding the body of the biofilm is to starve the biofilm.. you *have* to use diet, the meds won’t do enough… and this means a diet ultra low in fat, low in arganine, nightshades, fats and animal products.. all of which feed the biofilm infection incredibly. i can attest that it works!!

          • Actually, he doesn’t have a grant. NIH Reporter doesn’t have him listed as funded. The man doesn’t have a PhD.

        • Also look into Fifth Disease! I had that when I was 19, and the only reason a doctor was finally able to diagnose it was because his son had gotten it too. It causes pain and swelling in the joints, and it’s a virus so antibiotics/penicillin do nothing, but it does run its course eventually. The internet claims that it produces a rash, but I never had a rash with it. In kids, it normally lasts a week or two, but for me it lasted 6 months. My doctor said it can last up to 4 years, especially among anyone who isn’t a very young child.

        • Jennifer Clayton says:

          Yes please look into Lyme disease. The same thing happened to my friend. She had been taking RA treatments for years and her symptoms kept getting worse so her Dr sent her to a specialist. The specialist just thought it prudent to test her for Lyme disease, which she thought was crazy. She tested positive. In those 5 years of her suffering- noone ever thought of Lyme disease. She had 2 knee surgeries and one hip replacement. She was seeing the specialist because her shoulder was going out too :(

        • Try googling “food grade hydrogen peroxide and Lymes disease.” I have gotten a lot of healing from a 6-month “cleanse.” The medical community has a lot of issues with it…..I think mostly because its so inexpensive and works so well for many chronic conditions and inflammation (which the sites specifically name).

          Having biofeedback performed by my holistic chiropracter and practition about half-way thru he exclaimed that he had never seen so much and such rapid healing; that he would do a free evaluation at the end of the six months. Feeling better, I did not go back to him for followup (wish I had for other’s advantage). Two months ago I was bitten by a second deer tick so have been doing the cleanse as precautionary. Will go to my holistic when finished.

          HP cleanse has been around since before WWI and was quite successful but unfortunately was replaced by fast-acting and profit producing penicillin and antibiotics. Only one or two recorded deaths that I know of that were children who somehow got into full-strength solutions. Directions tell how to dilute the solution. DO NOT use drug-store solutions of food grade HP as they use a preservative that is harmful if taken orally. I ordered my online from REBEKAHSPURELIVING@GMAIL.COM (Rebekah’s Pure Living). The diluted solution must be refrigerated; the 17% solution that I get can be frozen and loses about 10% strength per year as I remember.

          You DO have to follow the recommended strict protocol to be safe and not get an icky stomach. And, it does come with a “bleachy” aftertaste and one can smell bleach occasionally if you stay on it for a length of time. Most people are feeling better much sooner than I did as I had the infection for years before identifying it.

          Hope this is helpful.

        • Shanna, you might want to check out this link.

          http://www.drmcdougall.com/misc/2011star/oct/videojuliea.htm

          On this site you will find videos of real people who have overcome all manner of auto-immune (and other) diseases via simple the dietary changes Dr. McDougall teaches. This video is specifically about juvenile RA.

      • Jennifer Hart says:

        anonymiss: can you please send me an email jenniferdhart at Yahoo.com?

      • Shanna R. says:

        I just got off the phone with our provider – he’ll be tested for Lyme immediately!

        Thank you!

        • Best wishes and healing thoughts for your son and you.

          Since you seem receptive to ideas (what mother in your situation wouldn’t be?) I’ll add my two cents. My sister was mis-diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis at about age 12. She was also diagnosed with additional fibromyalgia, anclosingspondolitis, etc etc. She saw all the best doctors at Stanford and UCSF. She was on tons of meds, and even had to give herself shots (yikes).

          About ten years later: turns out she had Crohn’s Disease the whole time. While it was incredibly frustrating to have her be in pain so long and to be so mis-led, it’s actually good news that she has Crohn’s because you can manage it with diet and far fewer meds.

          I am no doctor, and I am not qualified to make any guesses about your son. But is it possible to test for Crohn’s as well? He’s lucky to have you as his advocate, and I wish you the very best of luck. Hugs!

        • the Lymes test is not very reliable. too many false positives and negatives.

        • anonymiss – Thank you for this post. I was diagnosised with MS 2 1/2 years ago. Five months after that diagnosis, a blogger like you, mentioned that MS is often really misdiagnosed Lyme disease. As I knew next to nothing about Lyme disease, I started to research it. It was immediately obvious that I had Lyme and not MS. And it turns out I have had it for over 40 years. I don’t know where I would be had it not been for that blogger’s comments.

          Shanna – Lyme is a clinical diagnosis. The lab tests are notoriously poor (they lack sensitivity – think of a pregnancy test that is right only 65% of the time). That said, don’t waste your money on any lab other than IGeneX. (I am not affiliated with this company in any way, they are just the best in the business.) Also, 70% of Lyme patients have co-infections. Ticks are cesspools of disease. You will need a Lyme literate physician to guide you through this. They are difficult to find but you can get a referral at http://www.ilads.org. Good luck to you.

          • Jennifer says:

            Lymie,

            I’m glad you just posted that. I’ve been meaning to come back to here and post the name of the test that people should get (IGeneX). Many of the people I know who have it don’t even recall being bitten by a tick. Most doctors just throw medicine at you or run a few tests and when nothing meets the “standard illness du jour” they just tell you you have Fibromyalgia and/or it’s all in your head. I believe that most of society’s halth problems are caused by our horrible diets/lack of exercise, but these types of true illnesses aren’t being given the attention they should be. Treating Lyme is extremely expensive, but so is incorrectly diagnosing/treating the problem over years.

            BTW-the article is hilarious! I hope we didn’t make anyone mad by hijacking it to talk about diseases :)

          • Lymie,
            I thought there was a specific way to test for M.S., a brain scan showing lesions, or something like that. My dad was diagnosed with M.S. almost 50 yrs. ago, he lived with it for 20 yrs. That was when they had very little research to go on & no medications either. Does Lyme Disease also cause brain lesions? I have a niece who is suffering from “M.S.”, but now I wonder…
            Marilyn

          • Jennifer says:

            Lesions on brain can be caused by Lyme. MS is a rule out disease-there’s no definitive test.

          • Those of you who were misdiagnosed with MS and instead had Lyme, did you have an MRI that showed lesions? I’m curious, I have a friend with MS but was interested in knowing more before I approached her with this.

          • I had an MRI showing lesions caused by Lyme Disease.

        • anonymiss says:

          Shanna,
          that is TERRIFIC news! Keep in mind, though, that the tests for Lyme are quite unreliable. I tested negative repeatedly, despite having a near textbook case (tick bite, “bullseye” rash, etc.). My negative tests were the main reason I had such a difficult time receiving the proper treatment. Upon my initial visit to the doctor, they did not test me but treated me with 5 days of “prophylactic” antibiotics (not nearly long enough for late stage Lyme), which then interfered with the results of the tests that were done at a later date. Like a previous commenter said, there are many strains of the bacteria that cause Lyme disease, but the tests that are used only recognize a small handful.

          Best of luck!

      • Actually rheumatoid arthritis in children is pretty common. I’ve been dx with it since I was 23, symptoms when I was a teen. My niece was diagnosed at age 12. I’ve got friends who were dx at age 2. It happens. Lyme is often misdiagnosed, but JRA is definitely a common REAL diagnosis for children. I’ve found that food doesn’t affect the way I feel with RA. It doesn’t matter what I eat or don’t eat. What food DOES affect on me is my intestinal lining. I also have celiac, and I avoid gluten at all costs. It’s annoying and stressful. Food should not cause stress.
        The reason for RA/Crohns mix-up is because Crohns causes “arthritis related to crohns.” My daughter has Crohns. She has to watch her diet, too. Autoimmune stuff sucks big time.

        • You should be avoiding GMOs = all of them. HFCS, CAFO meat and GMOs are causing these diseases in humans like they do in animal testing

        • anonymiss says:

          Jeri,
          While the “diagnosis” for RA in children may be fairly common – I have seen enough cases of juvenile RA that turned out to be Lyme to make me think that most of these “juvenile RA” diagnoses are, in fact, incorrect. RA is the kind of diagnosis, like MS and fibromyalgia, that has a lot of differentials. Doctors are generally not willing to spend too much time on one single patient, and a diagnosis of RA usually gives the patients and their parents the instant gratification they seek, as well as a prescription medication that takes the pain away. Not to say that doctors are lazy, but they do lack the initiative to do anything other than write a prescription to relieve the patient’s symptoms, even if that means an incorrect diagnosis. Doctors are reprimanded for prescribing “unnecessary” antibiotics, but they are rewarded for prescribing unnecessary medications of any other kind.

      • Katherine says:

        What kind of symptoms where you experiencing that made them think you had RA but made you think it was lyme diseases instead? This my shed some light into what I’m feeling?

        • anonymiss says:

          Katherine,

          I’m not sure why they wanted to stick me with an RA diagnosis, because my rheumatoid factor tests came back very low, not indicative of RA at all. I knew it was Lyme because I’d removed several embedded ticks after a day of yard work and later developed all the classic symptoms associated with the progression of Lyme. A “bullseye” rash and a Flu-like illness followed several weeks later by severe muscle pain that progressed into severe joint pain and ridiculously swollen ankles (it’s often the knees that are affected, though) with pain and weakness so severe that it left me nearly unable to walk for eight weeks. I ignored the rash because it wasn’t the typical “bullseye” with the clearing in the middle but rather, had an area of clearing off to one side. It seems most of the mainstream information that’s out there about Lyme is horrifyingly incorrect or incomplete. With RA, as I understand it, the pain is most severe upon waking and then improves throughout the day. I had terrible stiffness upon waking, as well, ,but my pain only worsened throughout the day instead of improving.

      • My husband was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I didn’t believe it and took him off processed foods and wheat. He’s fine now.

      • yes, have him checked for lyme! arthritis in kids is almost always lyme!

        • FYI for anyone looking for alternative (herbal) treatments for Lyme…
          http://www.greendragonbotanicals.com/

        • I don’t think so because there are tons of kids in cities that get diagnosed with Juvenile RA. I would think it is even more common in people (esp women) in cities, where it is very unlikely to find ticks.
          People with RA could be diagnosed with Lupus however. The symptoms are quite similar, but are treated with different medicines.
          In any case, all of the above are Autoimmune diseases..

      • The modern allopathic medical complex can’t “cure” anything. Could someone please name one single thing they’ve ever cured?? Vaccines can be the start of a lot of those illnesses mentioned in the reader comments above. You destroy the myelin sheath and you destroy a lot of nerves and cause a lot of collateral damage to your body. Vaccines when we are/were youngsters can remain in the body for a LONG time, which is why the idea of booster shots is absurd.

    • I have no idea if your son’s diagnosis is wrong, but if it is, and if this humor post helped you get new info that leads to a correct diagnosis, I shall consider it one of my prouder and more important moments in the bringing of people together through this blog. Whatever the outcome, good luck to you and your son.

      • Shanna R. says:

        Thank you for all that you do. I have learned, and laughed, so much from what I’ve read here. I’m not a frequent post-er, but I check this site every single day. I enjoy your writing, the information you provide and your down to earth, funny personality.

    • Shanna,

      Twenty one years ago I had what I thought was the flu. Within two weeks it was worse and bad enough that my joints started to ache. I finally went to the doc who sent me to an arthritis specialist. A rude and horrible man who, without testing for RH told me I had it and promptly prescribed prednisone.

      I begged for help, relief from the pain and was just given more meds. Fast forward a years. Barely able to care for my children I ran into someone I had known from a networking group. I was barely recognizable. Weight gain from the steroids plus a cane did it!

      While not a nutritionist she was well versed in nutrition and begged me to get off of the drugs and try some naturopathic treatment, assuming the horrific divorce I had to go through, losing our home, becoming a single mom…those had all affected my adrenal system detrimentally and I was displaying the symptoms of RH without actually having it.

      It took one year but one day I just realized. It’s gone. My body was weak from lack of activity and had another year to regain the strength I had once had but the good news? It has never returned. I have no signs of arthritis today…and so I caution people to keep looking but even if there is the RH factor, I know that there are many things you can do to to make it better that don’t involve drugs. Do your research and the best of luck…I’m praying that your daughter and I have something in common and that her biggest champion…you…will continue the fight for her quality of life.

      • anonymiss says:

        Barbara,
        The story of your illness is uncannily like my own! Flu-like illness followed by such severe muscle and joint pain that I found myself almost completely unable to get around for 8 weeks, until I finally managed to persuade a doctor to treat me for Lyme disease. 3 days after beginning the antibiotic regimen he prescribed, my pain and swelling had begun to subside and I was able to resume my normal life again! I am so sorry that you had to go through your ordeal for so long with no relief! Our medical system, unfortunately, is designed to treat the symptoms instead of eliminating the underlying cause. Most doctors will not even entertain the notion of a Lyme diagnosis because it has become so “controversial” lately. I realize you were never diagnosed with Lyme but your story mirrors my own, and so many others I’ve heard in my support groups when I was dealing with this nightmare!

    • michelle says:

      This is a wonderful blog, and comments!
      RA is a terrible thing to have, so sorry to hear. However, diet can help.
      If anyone is interested, you can find out the inflamation factor and glycemic load of any food at http://nutritiondata.self.com/
      I know someone with rhuematoid who has researched many foods here, and has been able to lower their RA factor and doesn’t have flare ups (still taking enbrel, though)Basically he eats a lot of fish, fresh fruit and veggies. But on occasion- a pizza and ice cream is on the plate.
      Good luck,

    • Hilarious post and just what I needed today! I think I’m one of those that actually did develop an oxalate sensitivity…my joints have been getting worse and worse and was just about to look into autoimmune disease and finally someone mentioned oxalates. I looked back at my diet for the last several days and everything I had eaten were high in oxalates — quinoa, wheat, rhubarb, lots of nuts, tea, sesame, chocolate, sugar…I had eaten all of them, and hadn’t been taking any of my supplements. After two days of moderate oxalate (they say don’t remove all of it at once or it can cause dumping) and lots of supplements (magnesium, K2, calcium, arginine, and did I mention magnesium and K2? :) I’m already feeling quite a bit better so I think I’m onto something.

    • I had similar symptoms to Lyme Disease when I was about 8. It took doctors forever to figure out that it was Streptococcus A Group which had progressed due to going so long without a proper diagnosis into Rheumatic Fever (horrific joint pain was what started them looking into all the other possible illnesses with that symptom). As it turns out, I was a carrier for Strep throughout my childhood. After a month in the hospital, a shocking amount of antibiotics, and a tonsillectomy I haven’t had an issue since. Might be another possibility.

    • you can skip the palaeo, it’s made up and has no grounds in science. (really, I’m on the science side and this stuff can easily be debunked)

    • frgough says:

      And odds are it won’t make a bit of difference in his disease since rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease and has practically nothing to do with what you eat. Give the kid a pizza and quit making his life even more miserable.

    • Wow, I agree! This article is exactly how I feel sometimes! Sooooooo many opinions out there! We have been on the search for over a year to find the cause of my husband’s digestive issues and have seen, read, heard and tried the gamut of diets, cleanses, and concoctions out there. Turns out, for us, a simple blood test revealed he had celiac disease. At least we found the culprit! We also found in our search a very simple and complete nutritional drink that keeps many of our issues at bay – even my arthritis and menopause symptoms. If you want to check out our whole story it is at heart4others.net.

  8. Oh so true!

  9. Arrowleaf says:

    Hilarious! Loved the Mark Knopfler reference- ha!

  10. hahahahaha!!! BUT WHAT’S THE ANSWER!?!?!? I thought there’d be an answer (other than kale and activa… don’t have time to wait around. I have a garden to water, eggs to collect, ducks and chickens, a goat and a lamb to let out to free range and a LGD to feed! Bread to bake, blueberries to can, etc.,etc.,etc.)

    • But THAT is why Erica is my awesome heroine. No answer, just some fucking funny commentary and humble commiseration.
      Now I’m going downstairs to eat a big fat piece of non-fair trade chocolate cake.

      • selectmethod says:

        Because she has no answer. Complaining and criticising is an easy thing to do!

        • the answer is stop all this crazyness. All those diets are BS. there is no such thing as a palaeodiet. (not beyond the made up modern diet that is based on atkins). Be more critical. stop believing everything and stop jumping on every bandwagon.

          • frgough says:

            Exactly. Exercise and eat a balanced diet of fruits, grains, meats and treat yourself to some sweets every now and then, and quit freaking out if it was grown using pesticides, and instead be grateful modern agricultural science has made food so cheap and abundant that starvation is an abstract concept in this country.

            You can eat a Wendy’s Baconator and the world will not end, you will not die, and the cows won’t care (because they’re too stupid to know they’re going to be a burger next week).

          • To frgough, I’m not sure whether you are writing in jest or ignorance. If in jest, then it doesn’t matter, but if in ignorance, then the truth within the humor of this article and many of the comments has eluded you. Especially telling is your sentence about ‘modern agricultural science has made food so cheap and abundant that starvation is an abstract concept in this country’. If you are unaware of the consequences on our children in particular, and farmers and the general population of using these methods, you should inform yourself. If you really believe that hunger in America is ‘an abstract concept’ you should inform yourself. In both cases, the information is readily available; you could start here: http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/ths/hunger-in-the-us. No, the world will not end if you eat a Wendy’s Baconator, but yours might end sooner than you wish if you eat a steady diet of fast and processed foods. As to your opinion of the animals you eat…I won’t even go there.

    • The answer is to learn to listen to your body. There is no easy answer. I also believe that working to get the most dangerous stuff out of our food supply is a good thing to do… pick a cause or 2 that you care about and remember we are only human and can only do so much. “Perfect is the enemy of good.” And also it’s important to remember that a healthy diet will not save you from the disasters of constant stress. Live happy. :)

  11. Oh girl, this was delightful! Very much looking forward to a sequel post!

    • I hope a sequel post addresses the flip side of the coin as well.

      In too many situations over the past 50 years, social bullies, particularly older women in a family or group, literally have terrorized whole generations of families into compliance with their approved Standard American Junk Diet/lifestyle. Decades later, many of the family members are now so weakened and sick that some have been forced to buck the approved status quo (and bear the sneering), but are in so deep with confusing, complicated health challenges that they can hardly dig out.

      For example, 40 years ago, as a teen, I witnessed, horrified, the most courageous mom I know verbally and maliciously torn to shreds and ostracized, permanently, for a quiet but firm objection to significant amounts of junk given her kids without her permission in her social group. No, she was not noisy, she was quiet, and didn’t preach unless asked. Her peers saw her quietly change her family’s diet with reasonable success due to serious health challenges in her family. They interrogated her, and, as a group, shunned and scorned her for decades as she raised her family among them, emotionally alone and ignored, as best she knew at the time. Her wishes and many later parents’ wishes regarding their children were highhandly disregarded in that group. The message was clear. “If you choose a ‘healthy diet’ lifestyle you will not have a social life here.” Many other parents in that and later generations were cowed by the disdain, shaming and and shunning she and anyone else experienced if they tried to improve their diets or avoid junk. Sadly, the weak and ill young people, (including neurological/mental illness), and their parents in that social group have paid a high price for caving to the pressure of these social tactics.

      If we had paid courageous attention to the faithful warnings years ago, we likely could digest our food better now.

      • Dear Anonymous: you (you specifically, not including any other anonymous commenters) have now left 10 anonymous comment replies on this post. While your perspective is welcomed, if you have that much to say, please consider introducing yourself to the people with whom you are having a dialog.

        Thanks,
        The Author

        • Fair enough Erica, I am a married mom of several kids, now all mid twenties to mid thirties. I am almost 60. We have several RNs and other licensed medical professionals/researchers in our family.

          Due to a strange, medically unexplained, but fairly horrible neurological reaction to a dr supervised gluten challenge by one of our college kids, I did an extensive literature search on gluten syndrome. Thankfully we found answers, our daughter recovered and is a nurse today. Since then for the past 10 years, I, as have many others, looked deeper for possible underlying causes of the downturn in social health and for worthwhile responses to this trend. I also try to encourage and support those who have fallen in the same medical crack we tumbled into.

          I regret that I allowed significant social bullying to influence my direction as a young mother. Our family paid too high a price. I believe supporting kids and prereproductive young people is critical, and positive encouragement is key.

          Thanks so much for your contributions to backyard sustainability, Erica.

  12. BRILLIANT!! Thanks so much for the good laugh, now back to my kale!

  13. I keep it simple and just eat all the recipes from NW Edible! Nutritious and delicious! I can’t wait to make my lacto-fermented cherry salsa tonight!

    • Hey Dan – I updated instructions on that salsa. I think the ferment should be quick, like 12-36 hours tops. Mine went 48 and that was a bit too long. I’ll email this to you as well so you are more likely to see it.

  14. Holy Hell! Too F’ing funny!

    We as a society and planet have become slightly insane. Oh food, what has become of you? I think we are also slightly more crazy, here in the PNW.

    What happened to eating like the French? Oh, I guess they’re snobs. However????

    Anyway, thanks to my friend Kathy for posting this on facebook. I’m a new fan, and I think we might have a thing or two in common.

    Dianne

  15. Carolyn Thomas says:

    It’s even funnier if you read it seriously! LOL (Which I did until the giggles started)

  16. But wait! What about iodine? What about magnesium? And if you garden too much is that considered lifting, slow movement or chronic cardio? ARGH!!!!!

  17. My fave is the carbon neutral lemon.

    • Haha mine too.

      Once upon a time when I was sixteen-years-old and eating nothing but bone broth and kefir (yes, I’m serious), I went to the doctor for a check up. He said my blood pressure was too low. Was I eating enough? Oh I was on a diet. Well, if I’d eat more, I’d be fine. People need to eat, and he didn’t find diets did anyone much good. XD

  18. Love!

  19. Bwa ha ha! You nailed it on the head! Man, I get so confused sometimes. Don’t forget about saving heirloom seed so that we get REAL nutrients instead of the grocery stores’ watered-down version of fruits and vegetables.

  20. OMG that was hilarious! I think I pulled a muscle laughing!

  21. OMG, this is totally me! I could not stop laughing while reading this, because, yes, as you stated in your first sentence – you do know me! <> Funny, yes, and all too true. Thanks so much for this post – I’m glad to find that I’m not the only one who’s had all these tragically comic – but-i’m-not-irrational – thoughts. ;)

  22. Are you making fun of me???? ;)

    lmao. awesome post.

    • Lady Banksia says:

      …. I think she’s making fun of all of us a little bit…. she’s so right!

      … and BTW – what is ‘parkour’? Wait, wait – let me do a search for it, because everything posted on the Internet is true, right?

      … and I’m sure I’ll get paid back one day for all the hot-dogs-and-ramen-noodles I ate with my kids when they were three. I already did the $6000 ortho thing, and he really wasn’t all that snaggle-toothed! What the….?

      I’m still laughing – Erica, this was great! Thanks!

  23. LOVED this.

    • Hello Rachel! And Erica I am going to auction off Bella’s coat and your tea towel now that you are famous. Because you touched them. And they are still at my house. Also come get you some wabbit and kale before school starts. xo!!

  24. Wow… just reading this humorous post made me feel anxious ;)

  25. Thank you!!! This made me laugh out loud and realize that we just need to take a deep breath and do the best we can :) :)

    • Jesse M I so agree with your comment and everyone else’s. You’ve just said it so well in a nutshell. Oh dear I hope its OK to have it in a nutshell. I hope you are not allergic to nuts. LOL !

  26. Thanks for the giggle! I definitely saw myself a little in this, and it’s a great reminder to let go of perfection and suck the juice out of every moment, organic or not!

  27. This just makes me want to throw up your hands and go to the drive thru at KFC.

    Oh so true and oh so silly. Moderation in everything in life. Too much of any food can kill you. Strange thing is I prefer Chard over Kale and don’t think I have a single Kale plant in my garden right now. Perhaps I should grow some over the winter. Meanwhile, I think I need to bookmark this post and send it to a few people every time they e-mail me concerning one radical diet or another.

    And remember Monsanto is the devil.

    • Kitty, Three times I misread your comment: “This just makes me want to throw up IN your hands and go to the drive thru at KFC.” Which is quite a different spin on that sentence, isn’t it? Oh dear. ;)

  28. I almost would be rolling on the floor laughing, except I see too much of me in this. Good one. Well-Done! I do think I need to check lacto-fermented coconut oil mayo, though, for reals!

  29. omg, this is so great. You totally nailed it. I’m so glad I found you- I have my own little homesteading/cooking/growing blog, and I’d love to be blog friends :)

  30. Thank you for the grins, and for the belly laughs too. Great piece! I’ll be sharing it forward on my FB page later today.

  31. Brilliant.

  32. Just got back from a round trip across the country in an RV, with dead corn in the midwest and very sad and unhappy Black Angus cows wilting in the 100+ heat. These poor creatures are supposed to be in SCOTLAND, for cripe’s sake, not Nebraska. Damn you, Cattleman’s and your stupid marketing campaigns! I thought, That’s IT- not ordering anything labelled Black Angus! I’m only ordering things labelled ‘Texas Longhorn”, because THOSE cows look fine.

    The list of things that make me completely insufferable just keeps getting longer and longer. Next year, I expect to go completely Fruitarian, but only for heirloom fruit and vegetables that are one generation away from their wild progenitors, fed on pristine glacier water and hand picked by virgin fairies and elves with high job satisfaction that are being paid a useful wage that includes a healthcare plan and six weeks vacation a year.

    • Joan Blurton says:

      Awesome Lisa! Make sure you keep us posted with the sources you find. LOL

    • Please say you’re kidding about the cows in Nebraska! Speaking as a Nebraska native and resident and as the daughter of a Nebraska farmer and cattle owner, and as the sister of a Nebraska farmer and cattle owner, I really really hope you’re kidding. Some of the best beef in the nation comes from Nebraska. We are going through one of the worst droughts in 50 years. Yeah, everyone is suffering, including the cattle. There’s no grass for them to eat in the pasture right now in western Nebraska because there hasn’t been any rain.

      • I was just going to say the same thing – the drought in the midwest is wrecking havoc on crops and animals.

      • Karyn Pappel says:

        Well, I’m thinking about your poor cows, lack of rain and climate change…growing too much Mansanto corn as fodder for your poor cows, lack of rain and climate change. I’m thinking of all that is released from the GMO-ed shit that is fed as fodder for your poor cows, lack of rain and climate change. Just stop eating meat of any kind for your own health and that of the earths’ – enough said

  33. I resemble that statement :-)) So very true!

  34. Lori Safranek says:

    Oh, I needed to read this! My husband and I watched Forks Over Knives and we’ve been trying very hard to adopt a vegan lifestyle ever since. So we’ve been eating tofu, drinking soy milk and a few other soy things, along with lots of veggies, beans, etc. Then I read that soy is SO bad for you. Then I find an equal number of people saying Soy is good for you. Argh! I need more protein, but if I don’t eat soy I have to rely on legumes, right? I can not possibly eat more beans than we are eating now. No. I will spontaneously combust if I eat more beans, as much as I love them. So I just decided to eat the freaking soy, eat the beans, stop the meat, dairy, eggs and hope for the best. And also, the Forks Over Knives plan has a lot of grains in it which means carbs, right? My carb-counting friends freak out over that. seriously, the only food that would be perfect and make everyone happy does not exist. Thanks for the laughs and perspective.

    • I think I read the perfect food is a cucumber. I am going on a cucumber only diet.

      • I don’t think what it is perfect for is eating…

      • I don’t know. My acupuncturist says cucumbers are too cooling, and I should be only eating “warming” foods… :) But there must be a perfect food out there.

        I always liked the joke, “Chocolate is the perfect food: it contains all the major food groups…sugar, fat, salt, and caffeine”

    • Lori, you are sharing my pain/paranoia to the inth degree. I’ve been doing the Engine 2 diet (the kinder, gentler FOK by Esselstyn’s son) and I *just* sat down from staring into my fridge thinking “no soy today, had some yesterday…was that too much?” There’s a blogger/author called Happy Herbivore that has a lot of good non-soy recipes, but christ why am i spending time searching for non-soy recipes?!? it’s like “do you hear yourself?” I also have decided to just roll the dice with it. As the post outlines, if the soy doesn’t get you everything else will.

    • Lori – try Quinoa. It’s one of the few non-meat foods that has the complete set of protiens. If you pair corn and rice that works pretty well too.

      • *lol* just saw the grains/no grains part – Tell your anti-carb friends to go eat some pasta :P Complex carbs are great for us, and very necessary. Forcing your body to rely on too much fat/protien for energy causes a buildup of ketones. Since you’re going vegan, carbs are no only hard to avoid if you want to make sure you get all your nutrients, it’s unnecessary to do so.

        • I eat paleo, and I can assure you we eat carbs – you can eat a shed load of carbs without touching a grain. Carrots, sweet potato, yams, turnips, rutabaga, beetroot, parsnips, celeriac, edamame, Winter squash – even onions and leeks are quite high carb.

          And I’m getting a hellava lot more other nutrients from these veg than you’re getting from pasta.

          • Michelle says:

            I agree. My health has never been better since going paleo. Removing grains from my diet was a big part of improving my insulin resistance. I used to eat a ton of pasta, but now I don’t even miss it. :-)

            Your list of veggies, however, includes edamame…are you allowing some legumes in your paleo diet?

        • Lori Safranek says:

          Thanks for your reply. It’s frustrating, for sure, but comforting to know I’m not alone. I feel like I’m learning a new language with no idea how it REALLY sounds, how it is really used.

    • Jennifer says:

      Seriously, people over-hype the protein thing. I’ve been vegetarian since 1990. Was veg all through my pregnancy and I had a very healthy 11 lb. 2 oz. baby boy. Check with a nutritionist to find out how much protein you actually need – you’d be surprised how much you get, even in a vegan diet. Unless you’re some kind of Olympic weightlifter, you probably need a lot less than you’d think.

  35. I eat as organic and local as I can afford which isnt much these days. I can my own stuff and try to buy those from a good source too. But I cant always do that. Honestly Im tired of all the diets, threats by Drs. and more and big companies pushing their junk. Im at the point now where Ill eat what I like, avoid what I can and the heck with the rest………after all we dont get out of here alive anyway.

  36. OMG! Laughed so hard I cried… and almost pee’d my pants! Sharing it all over the place. I’m eating plant-strong (skinny doctor diet) and been gardening for only 2 seasons and I’m HOOKED! Where do I sign up for your feed? LOVE THIS!!!

  37. Hysterical! Too true! Superbly crafted! Deserves to go “viral”!

  38. You are hilarious!!! I was laughing tears!!! Don’t forget that too much kale can lower thyroid hormone production. Haha!!!

    • funny I knoe that all things are good but in moderation . good to learn about kale , did not know it lowered thyroid production. good to hear some of this .

  39. So, so funny, and so, so true, at least in my household. I love food, but boy does it ever feel like a minefield sometimes (a tasty, tasty minefield…)

  40. I needed a good laugh this afternoon. Thanks, Erica!

  41. Terri Estey says:

    This came at just the right time for me! I’ve been attempting to eat a “whole food” diet with no preservatives, chemicals, etc.

    My sister is the expert. Today I told her that I had a hamburger last night–even though I know the hamburger is processed. Then she added “What about the bun?” Me: “Uhm…I bought whole wheat, no preservatives buns?” Her: “Yeah well, you really need to eat only one piece of bread a day (or less if you can).” Sigh. Me: “Well, for breakfast I had a banana and yogurt, so that’s good at least.” Her: “A BANANA? Do you know that’s the worst fruit you can eat? It has tons of sugar!….”

    And so it continued. Sigh. Then I read your blog and laughed hysterically at the ridiculousness of it all. I’ll just eat the best I can and feel good that I’m not eating bleached flour, refined sugar, and veal. :)

  42. Good news–kale is actually low in oxalic acid–it’s still safe!

    http://www.calciumrichfoods.org/reducing-oxalic-acid-vegetables/

    This made me laugh so very, very hard!

  43. BWAAAAHHHHAAAAAAA! You rock

  44. Hands down, one of the best things I’ve read all year, and I’m smack on page 176 of “Ulysses”.

  45. Bwahahahaha! This was awesome!

  46. Hahaha. I have an urban farm, just beginning, in the suburbs of Colorado, where I rototilled the grass under. No chickens yet, but have thought about it.

    Found this through Running For Burgers on Facebook, and spent an hour wandering around reading. Thank you for this blog! Love it a lot.

  47. Laughter is the best medicine.

    At least we aren’t dealing with theories about which jokes are best for health….yet.

  48. This. Is. Great. Thanks!

  49. dixiebelle says:

    Where do they sell Lacto-Fermented Virgin Tears? I think I need me some of those!!

    ;)

  50. EXACTLY! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels like this! SERIOUSLY! I no longer beat myself up for ‘failing’ because where’s the winning!

    I’m plugging my ears, growing my own food and enjoying :)

  51. This was great and so informative!! I have been gulen free, milk and monsanite free for almost 3 yrs. ViSalus meal replacement shakes has made it so much easier over the last 3 months. There is an answer out there. You just have to find it.

  52. It would be way funnier if it all weren’t so close to the truth. I’m glad somebody said “Get a Grip!” Great job Erica (again). What I find interesting is that with social media the way it is we swing and slew our ways across the eating opinion spectrum in a matter of months whereas dietary diatribe once took many months or years to catch on. I remember growing up with my mother on the Macrobiotics wagon which almost seemed to belong secretly and exclusively to people who bought health magazines. Years later it was Pritikin (when the true commercial value of a “health diet” was realised by companies) and then Atkins and these movements lasted a few years but now dietary ethos comes in and out so fast that before my lacto-fermentation was done I was old hat and Paleo-poor.

  53. My gawd this is awesome. Dead on. Now excuse me while I head to my favorite vegetarian co-op and buy all my non-gmo food in bulk with my pre-weighed re-used glass jars I’ve been collecting for my grocery trips. All locally grown and produced food – of course – labeled very diligently with facts on providers/farms/families – how far away the farms are, how many acres do the chickens have to graze, how much solar and wind power they use, and how their goods get transported to the store in bio-fuel vehicles, including the raw milk. I’m serious. I love it and at the same time, have to laugh out loud. How did it come to this?…… thanks for the blog – hilarious.

  54. I needed this laugh tonight. Not sure what to do though, my kale succumbed to aphids and I had to feed it to my chickens. :)

    • That’s actually really good. You really shouldn’t be eating eggs at all, even from backyard hens, unless they are fed exclusively kale (for the kale-vitamins) covered in insects (for the protein). This is absolutely true. I read it on a blog post once. ;)

    • try planting marigolds next to the kale the aphids do not bother them.

  55. Omg, I will be laughing for a couple hours over this post. Very well written and extremely entertaining!

  56. hilarious, my dear. and oh so freakin’ true.

  57. That. Was. So. Funny.

  58. You are my new hero. Thank you, I sooo needed the laugh!

  59. Hilarious! So why does my husband keep asking me to “eat normally”???

  60. This is gold! I can relate to every single aspect – these thoughts race through my mind every time I open my mouth to insert food. I am torn between the findings of the China Study and reconciling that with the Cure Tooth Decay findings and the Weston A Price foundation approach. Eeeep! Such a funny and true post, thank you for sharing!

  61. This article sounds like a commercial for Activa.

  62. This was funny! I’m not big into dieting or anything but I read the whole article thinking there would be a grand solution or something and when I got to the end, your point was clear without a conclusion at all! Great. I shared it on FB

  63. Ok, This is hands down the best thing I’ve read all week. My husband is trying to get a diagnosis for some kind of weird liver thing he has and the doc has suggested as a precautionary measure to cut out all iron rich foods. He also has gout and we try to be aware of the food we eat. But last night I had a melt down, this is F..ing ridiculous! I want to just eat food. Food that I know. Not anything crazy assed, but you know the stuff my grandmother would recognize!
    I will be sending the link to this site to a lot of my friends.
    Thanks for the giggles.

    • Evonne: Your husband should have his PH level tested. If he has gout, I am guessing his PH level is low and his body is on the acidic side which most likely means his body has less oxygen than required for his body to operate normal. From what I have read and researched, oxygen kills cancer. So, you might want to get his PH level tested ASAP.

      • Sirtoyou says:

        If his pH is acidic to a significant degree he’s got bigger problems than gout/liver function/cancer.

  64. Sometimes, I stand in the grocery store exhausted from all the possible implications of how my food dollars are spent, and just want to buy a can of Pringles and eat them in secret in my car. Love this. SO SO funny.

  65. Wow.. have you been inside my head?? LOL

    I am so messed up because I have food sensitivities/allergies to both wheat and corn. ( The corn allergy is so bad, I haven’t been able to walk into a movie theater since the last Dark Knight flick)

  66. I am 55 eat whatever the hell I want. My blood pressure is normal, my cholesterol is low, I can swim and run a mile. Don’t listen to these “flavor of the week” idiots, they are usually promoting a book or something. Eat well and enjoy life, it’s too short to worry about crap like this.

  67. Awesome post, I found myself in a very similar situation. I decided to not focus on perfection, but improvement. Since I was what I call a “Costco Mom” most of our meals came from a box in the freezer, just about any change was better. I think I’ve found a happy balance and don’t stress as long as I’m eating better than I was. I have a few items I’m strict about and others I’ll let slide a bit. I’ve given up on the internet since you can find a convincing article both for and against most any topic. I’m a fan of Michael Pollan and eat as local as is practical, but I just don’t have the energy or desire to research everything I put into my mouth.

  68. What a brilliant article! I think about this all the time and think that a high level of discrimination is necessary — more than ever, with all this unverified information floating around on the Internet. What a conundrum.

  69. Well, this is me but my former eating habits that resembled that of the “average” American led me to severe acid reflux and probably contributed to my body developing and being disabled with MS (not Lymes – I’ve been tested repeatedly). Almost everyone I know is battling a major health or weight problem and I look around at what they’re eating and it’s no wonder. I joke that I’m the healthiest sick person I know! On paper, I’m in perfect health and while I could be hit by a bus today, I’ll die feeling pretty darn good. It’s good to laugh at ourselves and remember to not get too obsessed but I’ll stick with my gf/ df /low corn / low sugar / high oils + plenty of kale for now. Thanks for the laugh.

  70. Totally cracking up … because this is my life. lol Well, it’s not that bad.

    But I think it should be mentioned that it’s the stress at the end of the day from trying to eat well that really does us in.

  71. This is awesome. I’m an RD and I roll my eyes at all of those who fall off the deep end with everything they hear. Eat it all, in moderation and move. Voila. Thanks for the laugh :)

  72. Best. Post. EVER! Oh the anxiety of eating healthy, ethically, and locally!

  73. Frying seal liver? That’s crazy talk. You eat that shit raw.

  74. This is the greatest thing I have ever read. Mostly because I relate to it 110% because this is pretty much my life for the past 5 years. I’m pretty sure you wrote this about me. Every day someone skips the meat helper box and the drive-thru and makes something from scratch at home it’s a step in the right direction!

  75. haha, too bad the the bacteria culture in Activia yogurt is derived from poop :)
    http://meghantelpnerblog.com/2012/04/12/is-thereactivia-yogurt-rat-poop/

  76. Love it! I do have gluten-sensitivity/Celiacs, but have never been officially diagnosed because I started this journey: Went to a Naturopath who had helped a friend discover she was gluten-intollerant. She had me cut out gluten “just to see” (now know that prevented me from getting an official diagnosis) and did an allergy test which told me I was allergic to literally EVERYTHING. Test said I could eat brocolli, rice and beef, because that was only mildly trying to kill me.

    So my Naturopath convinced me to cut out the 7 big allergens – eggs, milk, nuts, soy, wheat, corn and fish. Additionally I couldn’t eat chicken, lamb or turkey – the chicken and turkey actually caused me to have real physical effects – my hands and throat blistered when I prepared or ate it. I had to keep a food diary and submit myself for a bi-weekly scolding about my food choices. It was when I’d lost 50lbs and she was critizing me everytime I ate more than 1000 calories in a day – and LOVED it the days I was under 700 cal [the offical caloric intake during the Dutch Famine] that I KNEW this was crazy.

    I’m back to eating just about everything but gluten, eggs and chocolate, all of which I could not introduce back into my diet without massive amounts of pain accompanying them. My son gets about 50% organic food, but I’m just going to appreciate eating again :D

  77. Oh great, now what do I eat?? Even Kale has been wiped of our menu, not good for hypothyroidism …..so I read on the internet!!

  78. OMG! This is hilarious and I’m loving the comments! You forgot about water. Harvard study shows it will lower your intelligence. Unless you drink well water that is. Then you are just going to die of cancer. Drink wine. Cheers!

  79. OMG, I laughed so hard! You are writing about me! I am so desperately trying to do the right thing for my family, researching, reading, etc.. but I am so sick of it to tell you the truth! One pediatrician tells me no milk, bad for the body, the other says, you must give 1/2 L a day, I am so confused. Raw or pasteurized, organic, is it really? When they bring it from a 3rd world country that’s happy to add the word BIO to make more money. Ugrr… So exhausted of this and once you go that route, you can’t really turn back cause everything I look at with disgust now and guilt when I do eat it! Anyway, thanks for making me laugh so hard I had activa coming out of my nose ;)

  80. You forgot the one where drinking water will kill you. I saw it on facebook.

  81. First off, great read- thanks for writing and posting it!

    I just wanted to chime in on the whole Arthritis conversation. My son was diagnosed with JRA when he was one (1) year old. Nearly broke my heart to see him try to stand only to crumple in pain and wake up in the night crying in pain. The swelling in his ankle was noticeable and you could literally feel the heat when you wrapped your hand around it gently. The doctors had him on a series of anti inflammatory meds (all unsuccessful) which I allowed right up until they wanted to get him on some liquid chemo treatment… that’s when we decided to look outside of “western medicine” and I am sooooooooo thankful that we did. What good would it have done to destroy his organs to reduce his ankle pain? I wish I could tell you exactly what it was that cured the swelling and pain but I honestly don’t know. I believe it was the fish/omega oils but again- dunno. what I do know is that when all of our genius, super advanced and scientific methods fail- consider going back to basics.
    kind regards,
    a dad

  82. Hahahahahahahaha! The whole food thing has just become too weird in recent years. I have Sjogren’s syndrome (dx through a biopsy and definitely not Lyme Disease) and spent 9 years with constant nerve pain, sucking down steroids to stay vertical and opiates to stay non-suicidal. I was working hard at eating ‘right.’ Lots of leafy greens, tons of veggies, fresh salsa all the time (I made it). Little meat, soy instead of dairy. Then I was handed a diet by the Swedish Hospital (Seattle) Pain Clinic and told that it was not well known and MIGHT help the pain and inflammation. It did. It cut out everything high in polyamines. No more: tomatoes, broccoli, spinach, squash, basil, dill, eggplant, mushrooms, mussels, cauliflower, legumes, … the list is very long and my diet now is very boring. But after a total elimination I challenged and saw that tomatoes (in any form), all cruciferous veggies and spinach in particular caused my joints to swell, neuropathy to start tingling in my hands and feet and the nerve pain in my face to go off the charts. Oh yeah, no soy. At all. Try avoiding soy lecithin. It’s everywhere. But I feel better. I no longer take steroids, I weaned myself off morphine. I’ve dropped half the anti-seizure meds I used to take and I’ve stopped taking muscle relaxers and anti-depressants.

    There is no single way to eat that is right for everybody. And if I stopped to consider the political and cultural implications of my current diet it would make me crazy. I don’t. I just eat what doesn’t hurt me and try not to worry. Stress hurts us all.

    Great article and I’m still laughing about the virgin tears. I have friends who I swear would buy it off the shelf if it turned up at Whole Foods in a cute, totally recyclable bottle.

  83. This. Is. GLORIOUS. :D

  84. Way too much of ‘the sky is falling’ mentality going around for me. Here’s my deal. My dad is 90 years old. He has never had a heart attack or cancer. He has pretty much just eaten whatever during the course of his life but has never over-imbibed. He has smoked one pack of cigarettes a week for as long as I can remember (really…just one). He was just told by his doctor he should probably stop with the donut for breakfast since it looks like he is showing some signs of diabetes. At 90!! His response? We all die…I’m not going to be changing much now so I can assure myself of a ‘long’ life…I’ve already had one!

    I like his attitude and I’m very much his daughter. I am more conscious of ingredients and make most of my foods from scratch and while sensitive to those with allergies also see people flock to GF like it’s cool (ask my friend who has celiac’s disease just how cool it is when you REALLY have to deal with it).

    I swear, I think the worries over foods today and the attendant stress has to be a factor too!

  85. Glenn Sekse says:

    I believe in the “anything” diet. Eat whatever you want, in small quantities. Moderation… Moderation…

  86. You are a genius! I recently experienced this madness myself (and have home baked organic kale crisps in the fridge as we speak but thankfully sanity prevailed before I handed over our lifetime’s worth of savings at the local health food store for a minuscule packet of raw cacao nibs and agave nectar. Food shouldn’t be a constant source of anxiety, and our health is most definitely not dependent on some obscure, hard to find ingredients that we don’t even know how to pronounce. I’m going back to the ‘everything in moderation and eat your greens’ approach. I think my bank account will thank me.

    • screwdestiny says:

      Good thing you didn’t get the agave nectar because that stuff will kill you! It’s 90% fructose and we all know how bad fructose is. ;)

      (But really, agave nectar is bad stuff)

  87. Dennis Byras says:

    I’m so sorry you loose, seems the neighbors are bringing you up on charges for cruelty to animals and suing you because you warped their kids ideal of the Easter bunny. How very un christian of you.
    Lol seriously killer article I loved it. Dr. Oz is a hack. btw.

  88. BEST BLOG POST E.V.E.R.!

  89. Best blog post ever.

  90. Preach it, sister!

  91. love it.

  92. sunshine says:

    This post is beyond funny!!! You are awesome!!! You forgot to mention soy products and raw dairy! I’ll be waiting for a sequel!

  93. This post is awesome. I would say more, but I’m too busy worrying about whether or not my coconut-almond latte contains GMOs.

  94. Heather A says:

    Am I the only one that finds this article rude, ignorant and offensive?

    The way we eat is a lifestyle, not a burden. It’s certainly not a joke. I can’t have gluten because I have celiac disease, that’s a serious autoimmune condition. I don’t appreciate you making it sound like Celiac Disease is an imaginary disorder created by a health freak who just decided to go gluten-free for kicks.

    You make it sound like people who avoid gluten and other foods simply are doing so because they suffer from “orthorexia nervosa”

    Are you aware that conditions like celiac disease, gluten intolerance and food allergies exist and are serious conditions that make it necessary for people to avoid certain foods?

    I did not find your article amusing in any way. I am quite offended and I would help you would consider others feelings before you write such rubbish.

    • Yes, I am aware of all those things you mention. This post is not about Celiac Disease. Thank you for attempting to get me to consider your feelings about your dietary restrictions by calling my writing rude, ignorant, offensive and rubbish. Perhaps this is not the blog for you. Better luck elsewhere.

      • Hell yeah :)

        • Apparently after 9PM my brain reverts back to that of a teenager. Let me expand on that ‘hell yeah’ –

          Well said, Erica! Heather, what you seem to be missing is that this blog post was not written about people who have to eat a certain way due to valid and very real food allergies or illnesses. No one is laughing at that.

          Erica was poking fun at the rest of us, like myself, who make a *choice* to eat a certain way. We fall down the proverbial rabbit hole of nutritional philosophy that is largely fear based, confusing, overwhelming and filled with the shame and guilt of what harm you could cause yourself, your loved ones and the planet if you don’t strictly adhere to it’s tenants. It’s paralyzing.

          For example, my Husband and I have been discussing having children. I know (because I’ve read it on blogs..) that not only is what I eat during my pregnancy of critical importance to my developing child, but also what I eat before I even get pregnant! So I have to order some fermented cod liver oil…preferably blended with high vitamin butter oil (because of the x-factor, which I don’t know exactly what that is…but it sounds important…) and I really should be eating organ meats every day, despite the fact that they gross me out (did i really just admit that? Blasphemy!). Also, my only source for raw milk is through a co-op that has it trucked down from an Amish farmer in PA at $10/gallon plus a $5 delivery fee and it’s packaged in plastic, which is leaching god only knows what into my $15 milk….the only solution really is to get a milk cow…but i’ll have to quit my job if I’m going to be tied to twice a day milkings. If all of this isn’t bad enough, the pre-conception diet has to be practiced by both potential parents, so I have to somehow convince my Husband to follow the same dietary guidelines if we don’t want our child to come out with a deformed jaw, autism and destined for a life of illness.

          Oh wait, I just remembered that I was vegetarian for 7 years and consumed a ton of soy products, which were probably GMO and have most likely destroyed my reproductive system anyway.

          Screw it, I’m not having kids.

          In short, Heather, Erica was making fun of us, not you. We need to lighten up. Perhaps you could consider doing the same.

          There. I feel better now.

          • Patricia Bartee says:

            “I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh.”
            ― Maya Angelou

            Enough said, well one more thing, I say, Never ,ever,lose your sense of humor!!
            It just makes you grumpy and no fun to be around :o

          • Right on, Andrea.

          • Andrea, yes it’s funny and laughter is good, but as it stands, this piece is a double edged sword for social bullies to misuse. Unavoidably, it ridicules individuals and families who have hit the wall with their health, and discourages young people to be proactive. If 80% of damage is usually done before symptoms appear. attempts at prevention are reasonable. However, public health and digestion are so trashed today in so many ways, frankly, no one really knows what to do to turn it around.

          • Attempts at prevention are reasonable.

            Jumping from fad diet to fad diet because it’s this week’s miracle, gorging on this week’s latest ‘superfood’ because last week’s superfood is now known by everybody (except those still arguing about it) to be totally unhealthy after all, upending your life based on something you read on an Internet forum where everyone is an expert in anecdata–that is the opposite of reasonable.

            Nobody is mocking folks with Celiac Disease or Crohn’s or food allergies other illnesses with strict dietary requirements. Nobody is mocking folks with autism or PCOS/endometriosis or gluten issues or other health problems who find changes to their diet help them handle their illness. And nobody is suggesting that people shouldn’t do their research and eat healthier. This is a site on suburban homesteading, after all.

            This post is poking fun not at real dietary concerns, but at reactionary fad dieting and “Healthy Eating Internet Education”–the way we all read on an Internet forum that broccoli is the new miracle veggie that will prevent all cancers, straighten teeth, cure ear infections, and fix your credit history, while glass jars are the latest hidden evil of modern society, letting treacherous UV rays at your food, menacing your children with their breakability and calling you at 3AM to leave naughty messages. The comedy is self-deprecating, and most of the comments are of the ‘laughing at myself for tripping over the same ottoman’ variety: folks are remembering that time they went on the all-grapefruit diet, or completely gave up brussel sprouts because they read that it deformed fetal kneecaps.

            Yes, nowadays these fad diets are related to real dietary concerns, but so are regular fad diets. Poking fun at the grapefruit diet, or the Atkins diet, or the cayenne-drinking fast craze, isn’t mocking the obese, or giving fuel to mockery of the obese–it’s simply recognizing our own trend to overreact, overcorrect and take anything we hear on the news or the Internet too much at face value.

            Anecdata of my own: the most effective rants against the gluten-free craze I’ve read were by folks with Celiac, who felt the fad trivialized their own health concerns. One could easily argue that it’s not posts like this that add fuel to the mockery, but folks who seize onto the fad and make a big production about how they can no longer eat brussel sprouts and it’s very insensitive of everyone else to go posting recipes for brussel sprouts or talk about brussel sprouts around them, and have you heard the word about brussel sprouts?

          • Andrea, I see the joke, and appreciate the sustainability blog focus here. My concern still, from my own experience, is that as it stands it is easily misused by social bullies. Many of them, particularly many out dated medical professionals, don’t believe food matters much (except with diabetes) and they eat the ones who do for lunch.

            Using the gluten “fad” as an example, many folks still mock gluten free, partly because cross contamination makes that diet eye catching. I agree beginners are likely to be obsessed with the emotional transition, and maybe some do guilt others unnecessarily, but most of the time most of us are just trying to eat and keep our food away from crumbs. (Gluten-free is actually turning out NOT to be a fad. As tests get more accurate, the dx rates are climbing quickly, but we need to address the underlying reasons for it.)

            I just hope some exhausted young mom does’t get this article brandished in her face by her scornful pretzel toting mother in law, and cry herself to sleep from discouragement and loneliness.

          • I’m not Andrea. :)

            You’ve presented this archetype, the exhausted young mother who’s trying to solve her kid’s digestive woes and is shunned by her peer group for it, but frankly, you’re just as likely to run into an exhausted young mother verbally attacked and shunned by her peer group for giving her kid a pretzel. Your archetype has less to do with diet than it does with ‘mompetition’, the ridiculously extreme competition, criticism and polarization that takes over parenting groups these days. You’ll find the same backbiting, ostracizing and bullying over bottle vs breast, cloth vs disposable, raw milk vs pasteurized, fruit juice vs water, etc.

            I fully accept that this exhausted mother is someone you personally know, and this was something you personally witnessed. Holding her up as your banner, though, is not working, because many of us have been that exhausted person too–the one at the table harangued and harassed about our diets. But in our cases, we were bullied by someone who had taken up vegetarianism, veganism, paleo, gluten-free, etc., and felt the need to ‘correct’ everyone around them.

            You’re coming across as that person now–not as the defender of those who just want to find the right path for themselves and their family, but as the food bully determined to smack others down for not falling into line with your way of thinking/eating. You’re so determined to see this as an attack on your diet that you’re slathering on the self-righteous guilt in retalliation–us big meanies picking on that poor theoretical exhausted mother! Probably pelting her with bread, too! But I’ve been on the receiving end of similar lectures from folks who didn’t like my lunch, and the only attack here is coming from you.

            Again, the post has nothing to do with your dietary restrictions. It’s a gentle jab at our human tendency to jump on bandwagons and freak ourselves out. I hope you don’t corner exhausted young pretzel-wielding mothers with the same rhetoric you’re using here, because it’s hard enough to be a mom without the food police waving their Internet credentials and lecturing you until you cry yourself to sleep from discouragement and loneliness. And hunger.

    • screwdestiny says:

      Yup, you pretty much are the only person here who doesn’t have a sense of humor. This article was HILARIOUS in a self-deprecating fashion and perhaps the lack of gluten in your diet has stifled your sense of humor? You should probably start taking a supplement to get that back. :)

    • I can see why you might find this offensive, but at a fellow allergic person (to the norm, ie pollen, wheat, iodine/shellfish, chamomile) if your going to survive in the average world you have to find humor in the situation. Yes if you consume said allergan you might turn into a preventable version of the elephant man, or worse (depending on the level of allergy) but you can’t ignore that too many people deny themselves food based on the fear of what might happen in the long term. Life is made to be enjoyed, that is the point

    • I too have Celiac disease and found this extremely funny! I never, ever eat gluten and life has become quite a bitch at times due to the lack of food available that is palatable to me. I don’t have time to cook all my own food so I just don’t eat much and drink smoothies instead. Even as a Celiac I could relate to this post as I read labels and try to make a decision whether or not to eat a tasty looking prepared meal that was incidentally prepared in an environment where wheat is present. It’s a toss up. I found this post in no way at all to make fun of those of us that must limit our food intake due to allergies/intolerances.

    • “Am I the only one that finds this article rude, ignorant and offensive?”

      Ah, yes, you are!

      • No you are not the only one. It is well done and she has a point that can be taken as humorous. Sadly in real life it is not really funny, it is a little sneering. Is it presented in a balanced or kind way? This type of banter in the hands of young people who still assume they are healthy can be socially devastating to others who are suffering, desperately looking for answers, yet disdained by their peers as faddish.

  95. PMSL! Every word resonated with me. I would write more but I’ve got a tray of organic, home grown kale chips in the oven and I don’t want them to burn!

  96. Bwahahaha. Loved this! Am linking to this today (and sending a copy to my husband…he has been rolling his eyes over my healthy eating ever since I got started) :)

  97. Thank you. This made my day!

  98. screwdestiny says:

    That was the best thing I’ve read all month. My abs hurt.

  99. Definitely true. Everyone has to find a diet that works for them, taking both “scientific” and “anecdotal” evidence with a grain of salt. Go with what gets you great results.

  100. Jennifer says:

    I love this article! This is so me!
    I didn’t read through all of the comments, but there was no mention in the article about now having to avoid bottled water and only drinking spring water that you go and collect yourself and has a ph of between 7-8. :) With everything else we have to self prepare no problem adding yet another to the list.
    Thanks for writing the article. We do have a lot in common.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] at Northwest Edible Life, has written a rant about the perils of healthy eating. My favorite part: Healthy eating is getting pretty complicated and conflicted at this point but [...]

  2. [...] is not only a professionally trained chef, suburban homesteader, and blogger, she is the author of the best fucking rant about healthy eating and all the bullshit surrounding it that we have ever read. I know you. We have a lot in common. You [...]

  3. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater via Northwest Edible Life. I know you. We have a lot in common. You have been doing some reading [...]

  4. [...] http://www.nwedible.com/2012/08/tragedy-healthy-eater.html Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. ← My New Roots: Summer Stuffed Patty Pans Tips for avoiding pesticides. → [...]

  5. [...] of our healthy eating choices can drive us batshit. I literally laughed out loud at this article, and anyone who has read a healthy living blog (or lives with someone who has) will love [...]

  6. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater <<Ever obsess over the healthfulness of your food? You’ll adore this parody. (Northwest Edible Life) [...]

  7. [...] another health-related front, this article about “healthy eating” was an interesting one. I came across it on Grist but it [...]

  8. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater [...]

  9. [...] via The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater. [...]

  10. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater–This is one of the best pieces on healthy eating I have read in a while and it has been making the rounds through email of a lot of my friends.  Pass me the paleo diet please… [...]

  11. [...] scale goes up I can't help feel bad Stupid brain. Found this on another forum, made me chuckle: The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater Meh! Reply With Quote   + Reply to [...]

  12. [...] what kind of ethical choices I can or can’t make and what kind of person it makes me (read this: http://www.nwedible.com/2012/08/tragedy-healthy-eater.html, it’ll give you a laugh and a break from my rambling). I grew up in a high school where all of [...]

  13. [...] Finally, because I am only occasionally funny and I do love to share the love here is the funniest thing I have read all week: http://www.nwedible.com/2012/08/tragedy-healthy-eater.html [...]

  14. [...] http://www.nwedible.com/2012/08/tragedy-healthy-eater.html Share this:TwitterFacebookPinterestEmailRedditTumblrLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. [...]

  15. [...] for the ne plus ultra of hip, cutting edge diets?  You get a little crazy.  Erica writes about the quest for the perfect diet on her website.  I can’t say it any better myself.  Go click the link. Share [...]

  16. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater [...]

  17. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater Like this:LikeBe the first to like this. Written by BRlaughing Posted in foodie [...]

  18. The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater…

    Comic Relief. Now THIS is funny….

  19. [...] slice of fantastic, although this one can probably be called magnificent too. A great satire on healthy eating. If you're interested in food politics or health or dieting it's a must [...]

  20. [...] Funny: The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater. [...]

  21. [...] modern industrial food systems and their products. Go down that path far enough and you end up with The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater (thanks for the link, Greg!) and that’s before you start trying to factor environmental and [...]

  22. [...] stole this link from a friend, and I want to post it everywhere, ever: The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater. It is so easy to make yourself crazy with the self-imposed eating habits, keeping up with spurious [...]

  23. [...] Blood TransfusionsSerious vaccine risks compared to serious disease risks in the U.S.The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater .recentcomments a{display:inline !important;padding:0 !important;margin:0 [...]

  24. [...] The terrible tragedy of the healthy eater. [...]

  25. [...] it’s a stretch.  This happened by way of a link to a blog post at Northwest Edible Life:  The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater.  While it’s a funny post, and parts of it hit rather close to home, I don’t think [...]

  26. [...] Instead of doing any of that I just stopped the whole program for almost a year. I quit smoking officially in the spring of 2011. That following fall I decided to give it another shot. But this time I wasn’t going to do junk food. I had spent the summer really learning about where food comes from, the evils of processed food, high-fructose corn syrup, and basically everything. [...]

  27. [...] This is one of those things that is so funny because it’s true. [...]

  28. [...] following NWEdible’s blog a month or so ago when she wrote a hilarious post titled “The Tragedy of the Healthy Eater.”  I think she has a great point of view and I have found some great information on her [...]

  29. [...] I say unless it kills you (relatively) immediately or makes you sick, go ahead and keep eating it.  You never know what’s going to end up killing you until it’s too late, so you might as well enjoy life while you can.  Erica over at NorthWest Edible Life, had a hilarious write-up on the situation. [...]

  30. [...] feeling guilty, becoming stricter, feeling deprived, and compromising again. Then I read “The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater,” and it resonated so much with me that I read the whole thing, out loud, to D while he was [...]

  31. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater at Northwest Edible Life :: “I know you. We have a lot in common. You have been doing some reading and now you are pretty sure everything in the grocery store and your kitchen cupboards is going to kill you.” Snort. [...]

  32. [...] article – The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater Made me laugh! I think we've all been there to some degree. Reply With Quote [...]

  33. [...] not alone in my food guilt. Our club of “not doing enough, not good enough“ is wide and varied, with thousands upon thousands of members. And the funny thing is that no matter where you are in [...]

  34. [...] of the game in other areas too). And it seems this blogger puts it all into words nicely — everything will kill you but kale until you find its problem. You can’t have this or that causes this problem. It may be why I have never been much for [...]

  35. [...] This is one of those things that is so funny because it’s true. [...]

  36. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater [...]

  37. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater – [...]

  38. [...] goodness. This seriously made me laugh. As someone with an autoimmune disease in my digestive tract, I’ve [...]

  39. [...] Seriously, trying to eat healthy can make you crazy. I have been there. Read: The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater. [...]

  40. [...] over thinking all this nutrition stuff!  Please note, however, it does contain some expletives:  http://www.nwedible.com/2012/08/tragedy-healthy-eater.html  A real good [...]

  41. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater on Northwest Edible Life (there are a few curse words… just fyi).  This blog post pretty much sums up my feelings about food, nutrition, and the obsession that our culture has with it.  There are so many “ways” out there to eat, and some would say that one way is perfect while others would say that’s the best way to get cancer, gain lots of weight, etc.  It’s so confusing, complicated… and I’ve decided that it’s just plain ridiculous. [...]

  42. [...] THE TERRIBLE TRADEGY OF THE HEALTHY EATER [...]

  43. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater [...]

  44. [...] was a fun article to read: The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater fair warning…while it's not critical of primal/paleo, it definitely pokes some fun at it. if you [...]

  45. [...] if there was anything at all that we could eat?   And then today I read this article “The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater” and it summed up exactly how I am [...]

  46. [...] Except kale. Raw kale. Kale FTW!!!! Ever read this? KILLS ME. I laugh so hard, because it's true. The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater Anyway, that's why I think the article is stupid. Everything in moderation and in the most natural [...]

  47. [...] The Terrible Tragedy Of The Healthy Eater. This made me laugh out loud. I so get this! [...]

  48. [...] post and it made me snicker. It is a funny follow up to the addictive food article of yesterday. The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater __________________ -Shannon "Nothing is impossible. The word itself says I'm [...]

  49. [...] Tragedy of the healthy eater [...]

  50. [...] therefore making even the most educated populations confused about a rational course of action (this blog post might will hopefully make you laugh- and cringe- at what I would deem unrealistic and unhealthy [...]

  51. [...] Change your whole relationship to food but do it in a way you can live with. “Your diet should be something you can live on and live with” as the doctor in Fat Head says. Go ahead and go out to eat, just be a little smarter about what you order. And then, once you are completely obsessed with what to eat and what not eat, go read this to laugh at yourself.  [...]

  52. [...] This blog post helps illustrate the problem so many of us have with trying to find food that not only tastes good, but is good.  You can drive yourself to distraction with this stuff.  Please read the link.  You’ll be glad you did. [...]

  53. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater. This made me laugh. [...]

  54. [...] Or is that the other way around? Or everything will kill you? Or it’s only some things and not others or is it vice versa. Erica of Northwest Edible Life pretty much sums up whats on the mind of those trying to eat healthy (or at least on my mind) this day and age in this August 2012 post on nwediblelife.com, http://www.nwedible.com/2012/08/tragedy-healthy-eater.html. [...]

  55. [...] have so much time, energy and money. We have to learn how to make sensible compromise decisions. The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater IMO a fish oil or marine sourced omega 3 supplement is a reasonable compromise for the meals I eat [...]

  56. [...] Something else to note: that photo was taken before I started buying into everybody’s advice that I read online about healthy eating and healthy living. As much as I love the blog-iverse, I don’t need everybody else’s advice on how to be healthy. I don’t need to be a fitness model. And I don’t think my body type really could mold into that muscular shape that I keep seeing. Those abs in that photo? That’s my ideal shape. That was me at my fittest. That was me before I knew the dangers of soy, gluten, sugar, fat, carbs, corn, non-organic food, the absolute necessity of protein supplementation — and god-knows-what else (see this blog post for an amazing write-up about this topic). [...]

  57. nourish says:

    [...] I had to share this…it’s hilarious! Thanks Erica!! The Terrible Tragedy of The Healthy Eater [...]

  58. [...] safe to eat. My brother recently sent me this a tongue-in-cheek blog post on the subject called The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater. Read it and laugh. (Or [...]

  59. [...] a lot longer. I made a passing reference to it last year, and soon after that, I happened to read a brilliantly funny blog post that riffed on the kale [...]

  60. [...] read this article the other day and found it very entertaining.  It kind of struck close to home.  I do try to eat [...]

  61. [...] in detail: we can eat most everything, but what is actually safe? (A friend recently linked to this; I found it hilarious and so identified with it.) Pollan examines hunting and gathering and digs [...]

  62. [...] you want to read an hilarious blog post about food choices these days, read THIS. So true! And now I will officially strive to become very very rich so I can have my own garden, a [...]

  63. [...] via The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater. [...]

  64. [...] The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater [...]

  65. [...] this blog online yesterday and it had me deep belly laughing because I can totally related to it: http://www.nwedible.com/2012/08/tragedy-healthy-eater.html (seriously, read this, it's [...]

  66. [...] Most of us can’t eat perfectly healthy all the time. And honestly, between all the conflicting information and unsustainable food practices out there, you can drive yourself crazy trying (read this if you want a good laugh/cry about it). [...]

  67. [...] I find myself sliding too far into the pit of processed food despair, I remember The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater. Anyone with any experience following “specialized” diets can certainly relate to this [...]

  68. [...] and what not to eat? I read a great satirical post a few weeks ago about that phenomenon – check it out here if you’ve ever been like, “I eat pretty healthy” and then discovered that [...]

  69. [...] As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, I have gone through many diet incarnations searching for better health and have latched on to several specific ways of eating.  After years of vegetarianism/veganism, I saw many improvements in my health switching to a Paleo diet.  But unfortunately, unwanted symptoms – insomnia, headaches, etc. – started creeping back into my life and once again I was left scratching my head wondering why I couldn’t find lasting health.  While many of my symptoms have greatly improved by including high quality animal fats and proteins in my diet, the pendulum eventually swung in the opposite direction.  Following a Paleo diet and avoiding all grains and legumes meant being in a relatively low-carb range that now doesn’t seem very sustainable in the long run.  Believe me, I ate lots of sweet potatoes, dates, squash, and root veggies, but even with all that my carbohydrate intake was still quite low.  For me this has meant a return of adrenal fatigue & hypothryoid symptoms.  Apparently I’m not alone.  You can find many stories out there from people who didn’t “see the light” from Paleo-ism or any other restrictive way of eating for that matter.  A few great reads can be found here, here, and here. [...]

  70. [...] Personally, I get a little crazy about food stuff sometimes, especially meat.  (BTW, did you read this?  Hilarious.) So we just have a lot less of better quality meat.  That being said, I don’t mind [...]

  71. [...] Terrible Tragedy Of A Healthy Eater [...]

  72. [...] of this blog post on the difficulty in finding just what it is we are supposed to be eating have been popping up [...]

  73. [...] “The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater“ [...]

  74. [...] also have an obesity epidemic.  Here is a hilarious example of orthorexia in the grocery store:  The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater. Give it a whirl. You’ll laugh. Because you’ll read [...]

  75. [...] article is quite amusing and I encourage you to check it out here, but the basic summary is that all this information about health and food is causing analysis [...]

  76. [...] food philosophy to follow, unless you have a true allergenic need to avoid certain ingredients. This article, though tongue in cheek, portrays how limiting your diet can be when you focus more on foods you [...]

  77. [...] are fans of Northwest Edible Life’s Erica Strauss. Perhaps you remember her rant about healthy eating. It is the best ever. And now she has something to tell you about backyard [...]

  78. [...] Healthy" Fun read: The Terrible Tragedy of the Healthy Eater Highlights what many see as the pitfalls of even attempting to understand what it is to "eat [...]

  79. [...] Check out Northwest Edible Life’s great blog and the rest of this posting here. [...]

  80. [...] Welcome to my brain in the grocery store and all the time [...]

  81. [...] NASA is funding a 3D food printer, and it’ll start with pizza CDC Current Outbreak List The tragedy of the “healthy eater” Coffitivity: Bring the coffeeshop to you Evaluate synthesized speech If Language Weren’t A [...]