Things I’ve Said In The Past Week

Hello darling readers, I just wanted to check in and let you know I’m calling a mulligan on this entire week. We will get back to our regularly scheduled programming on Monday.

Until then, here’s a few actual things I’ve said this past week that will give you a sense of how I’ve been spending this unplanned “vacation” time.

Is that poop on my carpet…? (sniff) Well it sure ain’t raisinettes.

How many times do I have to wash this before the smell comes out?

I wonder if his night kicking is occluding my kidney or my spleen right now?

Do you think it’s croup? Is diarrhea a symptom of croup?

How many times can a pre-schooler cough in your eye before you get sick?

Is there any ginger tea left?

I’m taking an allergy pill. This tickle in my throat is definitely allergies. I refuse to get sick.

I’m not arguing with you about the diaper. You are wearing it if I have to duct tape it to your legs, do you understand?

I need a washcloth. Where the hell is a washcloth? No, no, I need a washcloth with warm water on it.

No, there is no juice. There is never any juice. Stop asking for juice.

Just hold on, I’ll get the cleaning spray.

How long has it been since I’ve published a blog post? What day is it? Wait, what month is it?

I think we are out of sheets. Screw it, I’ll just lay out some towels.

Dried cherries? Are you freaking kidding me? Absolutely not, that’s the last thing you need.

Don’t touch anything! Don’t wiggle! Just let me get you into the shower without any chunks falling off.

How can you possibly be this sick and still want food?

How can you possibly be this sick and not want to take a nap?

Oh goodie, a poop path! It’s like Dorothy in the Land of Crap.

Wow that’s a lot of unread emails. Yeah, I can’t deal with those right now.

When’s the last time I watered those tomatoes that are still in pots in my driveway?

I’ll get the mop.

What tiger? No, I have no idea where your tiger is.

Sure, we can watch rainbow cake how to videos on YouTube for seven hours at a time. Here, snuggle with mommy.

Yeah…this calls for bleach.

Stop kicking mommy!

Are you feeling better sweetie?

Maybe I should just throw this rug away.


  1. Linda says

    I don’t miss this part of child rearing. Hang in there……as they say “this too shall pass”.

  2. says

    The joys of parenting!

    Our 2 month old only spits up on me. Every day. So each morning I get to spend more time debating whether or not “this is an acceptable amount of vomit to wear to the office”, than it would take to just change my shirt.

    Kids are fun.

    • Elizabeth says

      Haha! My husband and I went on our first post-baby date and realized that he hadn’t changed the pants that had gotten peed on and I’d forgotten to change out of my spitup shirt.
      Mine’s 6 months now. It does get better!

  3. says

    I’m still rolling over the “is that poop in my carpet” line followed closely by the duck tape diaper line. Oh my. This is real. This is raw.

    And I can sympathize because with two stinky kids, 2 stinky dogs and a cat….it usually is poop on my carpet.

    And we totally duck tape my 2-year-olds diaper on at night, because when we don’t, she’s hanging outside her crib waving it in my face laughing at the mess she just made. Good thing she’s cute.

  4. Britta says

    “How can you possibly be this sick and still want food?
    How can you possibly be this sick and not want to take a nap?”

    YES. Happens here, too. I never understand it!

  5. says

    Aw, hang in there. Sick kids are no fun but you’ll come out of this…uh…stronger? At least with an improved appreciation for clean sheets!

  6. Valerie says

    Ugh…I wish I could bring you a whiskey!
    I am a mama of 6, so when one gets it, they all get it! I sympathize…

  7. Alycia says

    Reminds me of when my daughter was down with an ear infection. I didn’t have a single clean shirt because I was getting thrown up on atleast 3 times a day. Glad that’s over…

  8. Barb says

    OMG! We’ve never had it that bad…Oh Crap! Where’s some wood to knock on! My most memorable moment was handing the pukey 9 month old to my husband to strip and bath, while I stripped naked in the middle of the kitchen before proceeding to my shower. They always want to be held right before they vomit…..

  9. Maria Manemann says

    On Mother’s Day, my pastor called motherhood a calling from God. The more I thought about the more I agreed because there’s no way any woman would do it for fun or profit. Being an old maid aunt, I stand in awe of moms everywhere. You all deserve a medal.

  10. Mary Frances says

    I know it’s hard to imagine when you’re in the middle of it (whatever the “it” may consist of), but these will be the things that you will tell family stories about and laugh over SOMEDAY!

    In the meantime, all you can do is let go of the non-urgent stuff, try to hang on to your sense of humour (by the looks of this posting, you’ve got that part locked down) and pray for the wave of sickness to be over.

    And, as one of your readers, let me assure you that we can be left unattended for awhile – you’re busy with the important stuff of life – and we’ll certainly still be here when you get back! In the meantime, we’re all pulling for you …

  11. Carolyne Thrasher says

    I bit my tongue super hard reading this because I don’t want to laugh for fear that it will bring the curse down on my household too. You have an extremely loyal readership. And we all understand real life. See you when you get to the reach the other side of poop river.

  12. says

    Oh man, I feel you sister. Hope things get better there. I just went outside looked at some seedlings dying in this heat (90? In Oregon? In early May?) and told the baby siter I am going to take a 45 minute nap. I’m on day something of almost no sleep and I just can’t deal.

  13. says

    And that is why I am replacing all of the carpets in my house with mop-able hardwood floors. Yes-indeedy. In one single horrid evening, our cat puked on every carpet in the house. One evening! And why did we put carpets in the room with the only door to the outside that we use TEN TIMES EVERY DAY?

    • Sanj says

      OMG. We did that. Thousands of dollars for new premium quality oak floors. (So pretty! Shiny! Mop-able! We’re free from the stench of carpet!) And then… our two cats puked and peed, and brought in dead things with blood and guts oozing in little puddles. They even used their nails to try to bury their grossest refuse. We became vigilant floor-shine inspectors, looking for evidence of evil… cause guess what happens if you miss a spot and it eats into the protective coating? I’m thinking third-world dirt floors and a broom are the way to go. Or sealed concrete floors with a drain in every room, and a high-pressured hose. My partner thinks more simply: How about no cats? Hmmm.

      • JB says

        We got those fake laminate wood floors with the same thing in mind. They are such a pain to clean that I was just this morning fantasizing getting some cheap carpet to soak up some if the dirt. I hate my feet turning brown just walking barefoot in my house. How does it get so dirty? We have a no shoe rule and just one cat and dog who don’t go anywhere. We’ve had many poop and pee joys which quickly transitioned us out of carpet to this cheap laminate. Oh well.

        • Heart says

          I hear ‘engineered strand hardwood’ is more durable. True?

          Though I have a similar situation regarding no shoes/kids/pets & even with original hardwood floors, dust mopping floors is a daily occurrence. One word “ROOMBA!”

  14. Cally Brown says

    I was just yesterday saying how much I miss having babies and kids around the place (my babies are aged 24 – 33) so thank you – you have just cured my nostalgia and I’m looking at our home appreciating the peace and quiet and relative cleanliness. ‘Relative’ because I just finished cleaning up the cat vomit which included 2 mouse tails.

  15. Mary Ann says

    This post and all the comments really made me happy I made the decision at age 12 NOT to have kids! I don’t think I could handle what you’re going through — I get enough poop with 2 cats and a squirrel!

    I hope things mellow out for you soon.

  16. Jason Sinclair says

    Wow. Of course you get a free pass on this week. We’re with you; strength & honor, blood & thunder, milk & cookies, etc. etc.

    My twin toddlers are past the puke/poop on everything stage, but it seems to have transferred to my elderly cats. Then again, I dread the unwanted gifts the kiddos will bring home — and give to me — when they start pre-school this Autumn…

  17. Lisa says

    I love this blog – Life, realness. I feel for you! Can anyone possibly pass through all emotions in the space of 5 minutes? Yep, that would be a mommy. You rock it :)

  18. Mary says

    Hang in there, it does get better I have not got to the point where I MISS those days, but I can smile as I look back, and sympathize when I hear of them.
    Meanwhile, thank you so much for sharing your life with us, and for your ever fresh perspective on things. Hugs, may your home be filled with peace, love, and good health.

  19. Dave says

    I like how all the parents are laughing and sharing poop filled memories and I’m just sat here considering castration before it’s too late…

  20. al says

    I hope your MOTHERS DAY was better. that sounded like a one step forward and two steps back kinda week.

  21. Terri says

    OMG! One liners that would be great for a comedian to use. You are hilarious. I especially loved the Rainsenettes comment! Now sit down and watch the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin and you will not feel alone in your world of poop, vomit and no sleep. Plus you will laugh. Out loud. :) Hang on, the roller coaster ride is only beginning! Clearing throat in embarrassment for actually writing that. Sorry…

  22. says

    Crikey, I’m sorry. O.O
    Maybe some of that stuff that the back-yard-pygora-goat people use to organically clean the fleace before carding and spinning and such can begin? It definitely gets rid of poop!

  23. Kindsister says

    Oh you poor dear! I do hope it gets less poopy soon! For all of you. When it sounds realistic once again, please help yourself to one of your beautiful concoctions…or a few! You deserve them!

  24. Cat says

    Been there, done that, got totally grossed out. I have triplets and when they were 2.5 we had one long weekend when they were all afflicted with some kind of digestive system ailment that resulted in poop that looked like melted peanut butter. All those flannel receiving blankets came in handy to lay under them during the messy diaper changes. A couple months later both girls had a four hour stretch where they puked every five minutes. I put a tarp down in the living room with a five gallon bucket in the middle flanked by two of their little plastic chairs and turned on the TV. It was awful but passed as quickly as it started. I cannot wait until they are old enough to clean up their own sick.

  25. says

    funny. I’m all done raising kids and now I’m about to have my first grand daughter. Now you’re making me want to move away!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>